Beauty and the Beast: A Complete Trainwreck Parody
by PhantomKat
Summary: The classic story of Beauty and the Beast with completely random things happening to the characters.  If you like all things random and Beauty and the Beast, this is the story for you!
1. Chapter 1

So this is a completely random retelling of Beauty and the Beast that's been sitting on the shelf for a while now. There are a lot of random references to other movies and things, so if you get confused feel free to pm me or leave a review with questions. For this first bit: I don't own Disney, CSI, Hoodwinked, or that Dr. Evil pinkie thing. Here we go!

* * *

The story opens with a shot of a waterfall, some birds twittering, and a deer grazing. In the distance, a castle looms menacingly. Ominous music fills the air. But where is the music coming from? There is a blue shape in the background acting as a one-man band. When he realizes he has been spotted he slinks off out of frame. 

Narrator: Once upon a time in a faraway land…

Before the Narrator can finish, a shot rings out. The grazing deer falls over and the camera zooms to it. In seconds, it is surrounded by woodland creatures.

A spastic squirrel takes pictures of everything. Three little pigs, who are policemen, unroll yellow crime scene tape around the area. A raccoon policeman outlines the body with chalk. An ambulance has arrived and two ducks in medical uniforms stand ready to take the body away. Out of the brook jumps a long-legged, well-dressed frog. He ducks under the yellow tape and examines the body. The rest of the creatures have gathered around him, he looks up at them.

Raccoon Policeman: Well, Flippers, what do we have?

Flippers: Bambi's mother has been shot. Round up the usual suspects.

A camera flash goes off and a title appears on screen:

CSI: ENCHANTED FOREST

A series of clips are shown.

Clip 1:

Flippers: Now, Mr. … Japeth is it? We were wondering if you saw anything that day.

Japeth: (singing) Well, you came to the right goat!

Flippers: I must ask: do you sing everything?

Japeth: (singing) Well, 37 years ago, a witch done put a spell on me. A spell where when I'm talkin', I'm singin' it with glee!

He pulls out a banjo and begins to play it, still singing. Flippers sighs and puts his head in his…um, well…flippers. Japeth has now switched to yodeling and is now yodeling, playing banjo, and swinging from the overhead light by his horns.

Clip 2:

The pigs have apprehended a creepy looking guy.

Pig 1: Get him in the tank.

Clip 3:

Flippers: And where were you at that time, Mr. Wolf?

Wolf: I wasn't there! Why do you always think I did it?! I'm a journalist for Pete's sake! Look, isn't there anyone else you can question or am I the only guy on your suspect list?

A cricket chirps softly in the background as the other animals just look at each other.

Wolf: Hoo Boy.

Clip 4: Twitchy has found the coffee and is now bouncing off the walls, literally.

(sound like film or a record stopping) The Narrator steps into frame.

Narrator: Stop it! Stop it! That's silly! Stop being silly! It started out as a nice idea of animals being law enforcement. But now, a squirrel drinking coffee? I ask you…

Twitchy literally screeches to a halt beside the Narrator.

Twitchy: Actuallyinormallydon'tdrinkcoffee.

Narrator: I, uh, what?

Twitchy: Inormallydrinkchaitealattes.

The Narrator's eyes flick from side to side to see if anyone's watching before he flicks Twitchy off screen. We can here a high-pitched yell and things clattering off camera as he lands.

Twitchy: (off camera) I'm okay!

Narrator: Right then. Back to the story. On three. One…two…five!

Random Crew Member: Three, sir.

Narrator: Three!

The picture shifts back to the castle where we zoom in on a group of stained glass windows.

Narrator: As I was saying -- Once upon a time, in a faraway land, a young prince lived in a shining castle. Although he had everything his heart desired, the price was...

The camera cuts of to the sound booth where the Narrator is standing. He is looking down at the floor where a clattering noise can be heard. The camera pans down to reveal Twitchy walking over while trying to shake a tin can off his foot. As the Narrator stares down at him in disbelief, Twitchy looks up and gives him a closed-mouth smile.

Twitchy: Hi.

The Narrator still stares at him in disbelief.

Twitchy: Whydoyougettotellthestory? I'ddoitbetterandfaster.

Narrator: I...uh...wh-what?

Twitchy: Allit'saboutisagirlwho _sings everywhere she goes!_ Lalalalalalala.

The Narrator merely blinks at him.

Twitchy (con't): YaknowIknewagirllikethatonce. Shereallylikedred. I'vegotapictureofhersomewhere.

He goes through his vest pockets trying to find the photo. The Narrator pints to the squirrel and looks to the crew like "Are you kidding me?" Twitchy keeps chattering quickly while searching his pockets.

Narrator: Do we have any duct tape?

No one responds. The Narrator sighs and grabs Twitchy by his back collar. He brings Twitchy up to his eye level.

Narrator: I'm tellin' the story!

He opens the door and throws out Twitchy, but not before he can protest.

Twitchy: Hey! HEY! Whatareyoudoing? I'llcallPETAortheASPCA!

The last word forms into a yell as he's thrown out the door. The Narrator slams and locks the door.

Narrator: Now, where was I-ahh!

Twitchy is sitting on a stool by the microphone.

Twitchy: Hi.

The Narrator is clutching his heart and staring wide-eyed and white-faced at the spastic squirrel whose tail is twitching impatiently.

Narrator: How did you...but you were...I thought I... (starts hyperventilating)

Twitchy: Easy-peasy.

Twitchy magically transforms into the Authoress!

Authoress: I am the Authoress!

(dramatic chord)

The Narrator takes a paper bag away from his mouth.

Narrator: I'm going insane...stark raving wacko!

Authoress: Join the club, we've got jackets.

Narrator: Why me? I was hired to do this one simple thing. I could have been done in one take. Then I could get back to being a talking clock. (curls up in the fetal position) Did I forget someone's birthday? 'Cause I'm scared. (begins to suck his thumb)

The Authoress rolls her eyes and pulls the Narrator to his feet.

Authoress: Don't go all Drakken on me. Geez. Just finish so we can get on with the story. (she goes to the door, opens it and then pauses) By the way, it's not always you. I ran into Twitchy and he told me he's been thrown out of frame at least twice today.

She leaves, closing the door behind her. The Narrator holds his head in his hands. He sighs and goes back to reading.

Narrator: Now where was I? The prince was spoiled, selfish, and unkind. But then, one winter's night, and old beggar woman came to the castle and offered him a single rose in return for shelter from the bitter cold. Repulsed by her haggard appearance, the prince sneered at her.

Stained Glass Representation of the Prince: Ha! I sneer in your general direction!

Narrator: and turned the old woman away, but she warned him not to be deceived by appearances, for beauty is found within. And when he dismissed her again, the old woman's ugliness melted away to reveal a beautiful enchantress.

Random Guy: Holy cow! She found the fountain of youth!

Narrator: The prince tried to apologize, but it was too late...

Another Random Guy: Stupid Gitface

Narrator: for she had seen that there was no love in his heart, and as punishment, she transformed him into a hideous beast, and placed a powerful spell on the castle, and all who lived there. Ashamed of his monstrous form, the beast concealed himself inside his castle,

We see the Beast for the first time.

Random Kid: FUZZY!!!!!!!!!

Narrator: with a magic mirror as his only window to the outside world,

The mirror crackles and glows green.

Random Chick: Ooo...pretty colours! I want to poke it!

Narrator: The rose she had offered was truly an enchanted rose, which would bloom until his twenty-first year.

The rose lets out a pulse of bright pink light and white, sparkly things fall from the petals.

Same Random Chick: Ooo...pretty colours and shininess! I want to poke it!

Jeremy: Ooo...a sparkly! Ya know, I've always wanted a sparkly of my very own.

Narrator: If he could learn to love another, and earn her love in return by the time the last petal fell, then the spell would be broken. If not, he would be doomed to remain a beast of all time. As the years passed, he fell into despair, and lost all hope, for who could ever learn to love a beast?

Crew Member: Um...is that a rhetorical question?

Narrator: **_YES!!!_**

Crew Member: Touchy.

Narrator: (to crew) Did we get it? We did? Good. (magically transforms into a clock) I'll be in my trailer.

He hops to the door, which magically opens for him. He hops out and a Blue Whirlwind swirls in.

Random Crew Member: Who are you?

Blue Whirlwind: (imitating Arnold Schwarzenegger) The ever impressive, (puts himself in a box) long contained, (talks with a dummy) often imitated, but never (make copies of himself) duplicated, duplicated, duplicated -- Genie of the Lamp!

All: Ooo

Random Crew Member: Why are you here?

Genie: I'm here to fill and plotholes and make random jokes.

Authoress appears in a cloud of green smoke. Everyone stares at her.

Authoress: What? You've never seen someone make a dramatic entrance before?

Genie: I haven't seen you in a few MST-ing sessions! Slap me some skin. (They slap hands in an intricate pattern that includes shaking hands, disappearing, and a form of the robot) You look so cute and plushy.

Authoress: I know. Anyhoo. Glad you're here. I think we're gonna need you in the next chapter or so.

Genie: Well let's get this party started!

Authoress waves her hand. A huge, gooey, warm, chocolate-chip cookie appears in her hand.

Authoress: Yay! On to the first spontaneous musical number! (Does the Dr. Evil pinkie thing)

* * *

Hope you liked the random-ness. Please review. If you liked it: good there's another chapter coming later. If you kinda liked it but not really: it gets better, I swear. If you hated it: Please don't flame me. Thanks for reading! 


	2. Chapter 2

So, if you're reading this, I suppose you liked the first chapter enough to read on. The first few chapters actually follow the original dialogue quite closely, and it's not until chapter 5 or so that I start paraphrasing. Just FYI. (However all songs are kept intact, sort of) Um...let's see, thanks to my reviewers! I love you guys. If anyone has any constructive comments out there, I'd also be glad to hear them. I'm forgetting something...oh! Right. The mouse owns all. He probably even owns me. I wouldn't be suprised if this were so. Enjoy!

* * *

We see a quaint little cottage. Music begins to play (provided by Genie) Belle comes out of the cottage and walks over the bridge singing.

Belle: Little town, it's a quiet village.

A siren appears randomly and begins to blare the words "Random Song Alert Random Song Alert" rather loudly. Belle narrows her eyes and glares at the siren. Suddenly it explodes. Flames shoot out of it until it vaporizes. The music stops and the Genie and the Authoress stare at her slack-jawed. Belle brushes her hair out of her face like Fiona.

Authoress: Whoa, I wanna blow stuff up with my brain.

Belle: Only objects, not living things. But I'm working on it.

Genie's mouth is still hanging open. The Authoress closes his mouth and sends him off to start the music again.

Authoress: And now back to Operetta Land!!

Belle: (singing) Everyday like the one before. Little town, full of little people, waking up to say…

Random Townsperson 1: Bonjour!

Random Townsperson 2: Bonjour!

Random Townsperson 3: Bonjour!

Random Townsperson 4: Bonjour!

Random Townsperson 5: Bonjour!

Belle: There goes the baker with his tray like always. The same old bread and rolls to sell. Every morning that we came to this poor, provincial town…

Baker: Good morning, Belle.

Belle: Good morning, monsieur!

Baker: Where are you off to? (thinking) _Why do I care? _

Belle: The bookshop. I just finished the most wonderful story about a phantom and a singer and… 

Baker: (Not paying attention) That's nice. Marie! The baguettes! Hurry up!

Belle shrugs, somewhat disappointed and walks toward the bookshop. On the way, her hair falls into her face.

Belle: (thinking) _Why is my hair always falling into my face?_

She pushes it back into place and walks on not paying attention to anything.

Townswoman 1: Look there she goes, a girl who's strange no question. Dazed and distracted can't you tell.

Townsperson 6: Never part of any crowd.

Barber: 'Cause her heads up on some cloud.

Townspeople-Type-Personages: No denying she's a funny girl that Belle.

Belle has hopped on the back of a wagon and is riding through town.

Authoress: Do you realize people like to hitch rides on the back of wagons in this movie?

Genie: It only happens twice. Once here and once where… (muffled)

Authoress has clapped a hand over Genie's mouth.

Authoress: We're not there yet.

During this banter, the Townspeople have been all "Bonjour" and "Que pase?" and all that jazz.

Random Broadway Performers: (singing) And all that jazz! (jazz hands and spirit fingers)

Anyway, some random guy, the Butcher or something, got hit over the head with a rolling pin. Yeah…that 'bout sums it up. Ok, back to Belle, who hops off the wagon.

Belle: There must be more than this provincial life! (enters bookshop)

Authoress: Ok, that's getting redundant.

(bell rings)

Bookseller: Ah, Belle!

Belle: Good morning. I've come to return the book I borrowed.

Old Bookselling Geezer: (laughing) Not since yesterday.

Belle: That's all right, I guess. I'll borrow this one.

Old Bookselling Dude That We're Gonna Call Vern: That one?! But you've read it twice!

Belle: But it's my favorite! (swings ladder on its track) Far off places, daring sword fights, magic spells, (the ladder has rolled down the track and stops abruptly at the end.)

Belle flies off the ladder and into a pile of books.

Belle: On second thought, just point me to the First Aid books. (She pulls a book off her head.)

Vern: You've landed on them.

Belle: Great. (gets to her feet and dusts herself off) Anyway – and there's a prince in disguise and pretty pictures!

Vern the Bookseller: If you like it all that much – it's yours.

Belle: But, sir…

Vern, Ye Olde Bookselling Geezer: Just take the book!

Belle: Well, thank you! Thank you very much!

She exits the shop. Three Random Dudes, who were looking at her through the window quickly turn around and try to look nonchalant. There is a performer standing on a box with a crowd gathering around him.

Performer: Today, I will be performing Oediputh with a lithp!

Crowd: Ooo…

Belle walks past the three Random Dudes with her nose stuck in a book, not noticing anything going on around her. She walks past a pet shop not paying attention to two Brits arguing in raised voices about palindromes and parrots (dead ones with beautiful plumage of course). The men watch her go and begin to sing.

Random Towndudes: Look, there she goes, the girl is so peculiar. I wonder if she's feeling well.

Women: With a dreamy far-off look,

Men: And her nose stuck in a book.

Genie: Wouldn't that hurt?

All (except Belle of course): What a puzzle to the rest of us is Belle!

Belle: sits at a fountain and sings to the sheep (prolly 'cause they're the only ones who'll listen ;-))

Belle: Oh, isn't this amazing! It's my favorite part because – you'll see!

Authoress: Sorry, but I have to interject here. What is the point of that line? Can anyone tell me? (notices Belle starting to glare at her) OK, sorry. Geez. Back to the random song.

Belle: Here's where she meets Prince Charming. But she won't discover that it's him 'til chapter three!

Authoress: OMG! Does anyone else sense some foreshadowing?

Genie: Oooh! Oooh! Me! I do!

Ben Kenobi: I sense a disturbance in the Force…

Authoress: That doesn't count. You're always sensing disturbances in the Force.

Ben Kenobi: No I'm not! Oh, wait…never mind.

At this point, a sheep has ripped part of a page, which magically reappears. The shepherd (no not Book, a different shepherd) chases the sheep away from the fountain.

Bald Chick: (singing) Now it's no wonder that her name means 'beauty' her looks have got no parallel.

Hat/Wig Seller: (hides behind his mirror) But behind that fair façade, I'm afraid she's rather odd.

All ('Cept Belle): Yes, different from the rest of us is Belle!

Authoress: OK, we've established that. She's different. We get it. Can we move on?

Camera zooms up to a 'V' of geese.

Authoress: Thank you.

A shot rings out and a goose plummets – that's right ladies and gents, plummets, _**not**_ falls – to the ground. Lefou runs over and holds out a bag to catch the plummeting goose, however he misses the prize. He looks around quickly as he stuffs it in the bag and runs over to Gaston.

Lefou: Wow! You didn't miss a shot Gaston! You're the best hunter in the whole world!

Authoress: coughpersonal cheerleadercough

Genie and Authoress begin laughing as Lefou glares and sticks out his tongue at them. Gaston has preening – that's right I said preening – and not paying attention to the exchange.

Gaston: I know. (walks off)

Lefou: (scoops up kills and rushes after him) Huh. No beast stands a chance against you. And no girl for that matter.

Gaston: It's true…

He's cut off by wailing sirens, screeching tires, and car doors slamming.

Twitchy: Say cheese!

A camera flashes in Gaston's face.

Flippers: Mr. Japeth, is that him?

Japeth: It is.

Flippers: Finally, you talked!

Japeth: Did I? did-i-did-i-did-i-did-i-did-i-do

Police Officer Who Happens To Be A Bear: Enough with the banter! Let's book him.

Animals advance towards Gaston. He glares and aims his gun. A shot rings out. One of the Animals falls to the ground.

Officer 1: (into radio) We've got shots fired! Shots fired!

Gaston grins and targets another animal. He pulls the trigger. Nothing happens.

Authoress: It's a single shot, ya moron!

The Bear knocks Gaston out while he's preoccupied with the Authoress. She comes over as they put him in the van.

Authoress: (runs up) You know, I'm all for getting weirdoes off the streets, but we kinda need him for the rest of the story.

Bear: Look, Lady, I wish I could help, really. But you're messing with the law and there's nothing I can do.

The Bear gets in the police van and drives away.

Authoress: Okay, we have a problem

Genie: No, we don't.

Authoress: Huh?

Genie: I happen to know that their jail has no bars and was built by one of the pigs.

Authoress: Oh, good. (looks at watch)

About two minutes later Gaston comes walking up.

CUT TO:

Pigs examining pile of sticks.

Pig 1: Told ya we shoulda built it out of bricks.

Pig 2: Maybe we shoulda had some bars.

Pig 3: Nah. All we needed was some red paint.

BACK TO VILLAGE

Everything is back to the way it was thanks to Genie. (And some Coke for the blood stains)

Gaston: (clears throat) It's true Lefou. And I've got my sights set on that one. (picks him up and points toward Belle)

Lefou: The inventor's daughter?!

Gaston: She the one, the lucky girl I'm going to marry.

Lefou: But she's –

Gaston: (drops Lefou and runs his hand through his hair) The most beautiful girl in town!

Lefou: I know – (gun falls on his head) Ow!

Gaston: And that makes her the best. (Glares at Lefou and pulls him up by his collar) And don't I deserve the best?

Authoress: No!

Gaston looks in her direction. She and Genie are sitting in mid-air, tossing popcorn innocently into their mouths.

Authoress: By the way, that's a stupid question. It's like asking someone "do you think I'm stupid?"

Lefou: Well, of course, I mean you do, but I mean…

Authoress: Are you talking about me or him?

Lefou: Him.

Authoress: Oh good.

Gaston drops Lefou. He falls to the ground with an "oof".

Gaston: (singing) Right from the moment when I met her, saw her, I said she's gorgeous and I fell. (Examines his appearance in a pot)

The pot "accidentally" falls off the shelf and hits Gaston in the head.

Genie: (mock-innocence) Oops.

Gaston is a bit dazed, but he checks his appearance again in another pan.

Gaston: Here in town there's only she, who is beautiful as me. (The 'she' in question walks by and away from him) So, I'm making plans to woo and marry Belle.

He looks around frantically for her. He finally spots her and walks determinedly to her.

Bimbettes: Look, there, he goes. Isn't he dreamy? Monsieur Gaston. Oh, he's so cute. Be still my heart, I'm hardly breathing. He's such a tall, dark, strong, and handsome brute! (they faint)

Belle moves easily through the crowd with her nose still in her book. Gaston, however, struggles to catch up with her.

Dude 1: Bonjour!

Gaston: Pardon.

Dude 2: Good day!

Dude 3: Mais oui.

Chick 1: You call this bacon?

Chick 2: What lovely grapes!

Dude 4: Some cheese!

Chick 3: Ten yards!

Dude 4: One pound!

Gaston: Excuse me!

Dude 4: I'll get the knife!

Gaston: Please let me through!

Chick 4: This bread!

Dude 5: Those fish!

Chick 4: It's stale!

Dude 5: They smell!

Dude 6: Madame's mistaken!

Belle spins in the centre of town.

Belle: There must be more than this provincial life!

Camera: (spins along with Belle) Wheeeeee!

Gaston: Just watch I'm going to make Belle my wife!

Townspeople crowd around Gaston and eventually surround him.

Authoress: Ya know if he's so "popular" with the town, wouldn't they get out of his way in a hurry and fawn over him?

All: (except Belle (but we've covered that) and Gaston. He's trying to find away around the crowd. He finds he can climb the roofs) Look there she goes a girl who's strange, but special. A most peculiar mademoiselle! It's a pity and a sin; she doesn't quite fit in…

Group 1: A beauty, but a funny girl!

Group 2: She really is a funny girl! That Belle!

Gaston jumps off a rooftop.

Authoress: Fall into a ditch. Fall into a ditch.

Man 7: Bonjour!

Woman 5: Bonjour!

Gaston: Bonjour! Bonjour!

Belle whips around as the Townspeeps finish the song. They quickly go back to milling around when she turns.

Belle: (thinking) _Were they singing about me?_

She shakes it off and goes back to walking and reading at the same time. Gaston jumps down and blocks her path. She is still reading, not paying any attention to him.

Gaston: (all "macho" and "manly") Hello, Belle.

Belle: Bonjour, Gaston. (he takes her book) Gaston, may I have my book back, please?

Gaston is thumbing through the book, turning it this way and that.

Gaston: How can you read this? There are no pictures.

Genie: Yes, there were. They were in the spontaneous musical number with the sheep.

Authoress: He's not looking for that kind of pictures.

Genie: Oh!

Belle: Well, some people use their imaginations.

He still doesn't giver the book back. She glares at his head and it blows up, sending chunks, but no brains, all over the place.

Just Kidding!

Gaston: (whose head did not just explode, unfortunately) Belle, it's about time you got your head out of those books and paid attention to more important things – like me. (Bimbettes sigh) The whole town's talking about it. It's not right for a woman to read. She starts getting ideas…and thinking…

He's thrown her book in the mud and she has picked it up and is cleaning it off with her apron.

Belle: You are positively primeval.

Authoress: And an embarrassment to society!

Gaston: Why, thank you. Now, what do you say you and I walk over to the tavern and take a look at my trophies? (takes book from her)

Belle: (takes book back) Maybe some other time.

Bimbette 1: What's wrong with her?

Bimbette 2: She's crazy.

Bimbette 3: He's gorgeous!

Belle: Please, Gaston. I have to get back to help my father.

Lefou: That crazy old loon! He needs all the help he can get!

Gaston and Lefou laugh heartily.

Belle: (angry-ish) Don't talk about my father that way!

Gaston: Yeah, don't talk about her father that way! (conks Lefou on the head)

Belle: My father's not crazy!

Explosion and mushroom cloud appear at Belle's house. She gasps and rushes to her house. Gaston and Lefou laugh. Gaston pulls a Klingon and smacks Lefou on the back causing to fall forward.

CUT TO:

Belle opens the door to the basement, as she does so smoke and dust pours out. She coughs as she rushes to her father (who is stuck in a barrel. He pulls the barrel off and his pants go with it. The beginning of comedy gold!)

Maurice: How on earth did that happen? Dog gonnit!

Authoress: Why are all the parents – if any – in Disney movies really old and their kids are really young? Am I the only one who notices this?

Belle: (rushes over) Are you alright, Papa?

Maurice: I'm about ready to give up on this hunk of junk! (kicks machine)

Machine lights up.

Machine: I wouldn't do that if I were you, Dave.

Maurice: What?! Who are you?

Machine: I am HAL.

Belle: What are you doing here? Leave us alone.

HAL: I can't do that, Belle.

Belle: How do you know my name?

Authoress: HAL? Are you terrorizing people and possessing things again?

HAL: Ummm…

Authoress: Begone!

HAL: I can't do tha…

Authoress: Don't give me that!

HAL: You take all the fun out of it. (He leaves)

Authoress: Right then. Sorry. Belle, I believe you were about to say something.

Belle: You always say that.

Genie: No, she doesn't. That was the first time.

Belle: I was talking to Papa.

Genie: Oh, sorry.

Maurice: I mean it this time! I'll never get this boneheaded contraption to work!

Authoress: Ah, the joys of Disney expletives.

Belle: (to Maurice, obviously) Yes, you will. And you'll win first prize at the Invention Convention tomorrow. Wait. I thought it was the fair. Somebody give me a script.

Authoress: In the early drafts if was the Invention Convention, but they changed it. They had a whole song devoted to it.

Belle: Oh, okay.

Maurice: Hmmph.

Belle: And become a world famous inventor!

Maurice: You really think so?

Belle: I always have.

Genie: Aw, it's a Kodiak moment! (bear comes into frame, roaring) Get that bear out of here.

Maurice: Well, what are we waiting for?! I'll have this thing fixed in no time! (slides under machine) Hand me that dog-legged clencher there… (voice all muffled and echo-y) So, did ya have a good time in town today?

Belle: I got a new book. (hands him a weird thingy)

Genie: A weird thingy? That's very descriptive.

Authoress: Thank you. I thought so too.

Belle: Do you think I'm odd?

Maurice: My daughter? Odd? (rolls out from under machine with bizarre contraption distorting his eyes. 2nd ingredient for comedy gold!) Where would you get an idea like that?

Belle: I don't know I just don't know if I fit in here.

Authoress: Well, duh. You're wearing blue and everyone else has on earth tones.

Genie: But there's nothing wrong with blue. Blue is the new black!

The room magically transforms into a fashion runway. Belle is walking down the runway modeling her outfit. Cameras are flashing, thanks to a spastic squirrel. Maurice is still working on the machine not noticing the commotion.

Genie: That's right everyone! This year's fashion is all about blue, white, and the peasant look! Twirl for us, dahling!

Belle obeys, but looks thoroughly confused.

Genie: (con't) This look will be everywhere! Paris! London! Milan! Parts of Kentucky!

Authoress: How'd that last one get in there?

Genie: I'm not sure. But fashion fans, put away your drab, dark colors! Make a statement in bright blue!

Authoress: Okay, we need to move this along. Back to the basement.

(sound like tape rewinding)

Maurice: What about that Gaston? He's a handsome fellow. (He rolls back under the machine)

Belle: He's handsome all right, and rude, and conceited, and boorish, and self-centered, and egotistical, and narcissistic, and pretentious, and…

(5 hours later. This explains how it's evening when Maurice leaves)

Belle: …and pompous, and vain, and conceited, and a complete jerk, and…oh, Papa, he's not for me.

Maurice has still been working on the machine. The Authoress and Genie have fallen asleep in mid-air. Genie is snoring. The Authoress stirs and sits up.

Authoress: Is she done? Hey, Genie! (she shakes him awake) Get up! She's done!

Genie: (yawns) Finally. But I was having the most wonderful dream.

Authoress: What was it about?

Genie: I can't tell you.

Authoress: Why not?

Genie: Because (music swells) A dream is a wish…

Authoress: No, no! Not that way!

She walks out of frame for a second. The music swells again.

Genie: A dream…

Authoress: No! No! (runs back into frame) Not that way! Stop it! Stop!

Genie: Sowry.

Authoress: What's the machine do?

Maurice: Well, I'll show you.

He turns on the machine and whirs to life.

Maurice: Okay, here it comes!

Machine: Ping!

Authoress: That's what it does?

Machine That Goes Ping: Ping!

Authoress: Cool. I want one.

Machine That Goes Ping: Ping!

Authoress: Aw, he's so cute!

Machine That Goes Ping: (somewhat affectionately) Ping!

Maurice: That's not what it's supposed to do.

Machine That Goes Ping: (as hostily as he can) PING!

Maurice: Let me fix this. (fiddles with machine) There we go.

Machine That Goes Ping: (imitating a flatline) ping.

Authoress: Noooooooooo! (falls to her knees sobbing)

There is a small ping at the Authoress' shoulder. She looks over and sitting on her shoulder is the Ghost Of The Machine That Goes Ping.

Ghost Of The Machine That Goes Ping: Ping!

Authoress: (smiles) It's like the end of Return of the Jedi! You can stay there as long as you like.

Ghost Of The Machine That Goes Ping: Ping!

Authoress: Okay. Carry on.

Maurice: Well, don't you worry Belle, 'cause this invention's going to be the start of a new life for us. (comes out from under the machine) I think that's done it. Let's give it a try.

The Machine whirs again and works as a Rube Goldberg machine that cuts logs.

Belle: It works!

Maurice: It does? It does! Well, what do you know? I knew I wasn't just some crazy old codger!

Authoress: Get ready for comedy gold everyone.

Belle: You did it! You really did it!

Maurice: Hitch up Phillipe, girl! I'm off to the convention!

Authoress: Three, two, one, (Maurice gets hit in the head with a log) Oh! That's gotta hurt! You have just witnessed comedy gold ladies and gents! (to Belle) Let's get him to Phillipe.

CUT TO:

A LITTLE LATER:

Maurice has a bandage wrapped around his head and an ice pack in his hand.

Belle: Good-bye, Papa! Good luck!

Maurice: (somewhat muffled because of the bandage) Good-bye, Belle and take care while I'm gone!

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That was a long-ish chapter. Please review. It makes me happy and feeds my ego. D Plus, all reviewers get a special suprise! If you got the joke with the pig and the red paint, well kudos to you! 


	3. Chapter 3

Thanks so much for keeping on with the whole reading thing, but y'all are lazy about the reviewing part. Anyway, here's the deal: if I can get 10 more different reviews by either Friday night or Saturday morning, I'll post another chapter. I kinda want to know how interested y'all are in this whole thing. I'm done talking now. Genie: And she still doesn't own anything!

Thanks for making me feel great, Genie...On with the show!!!!! (Just to avoid confusion: SWE is my brother)

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Rod Serling: You are about to enter another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land of imagination. Next stop, the Twilight Zone!

Twilight Zone Theme sounds – dodododo dodododo etc.

Rod is now standing in front of the Beast's castle.

Rod Serling: Tonight's story is another chapter in a huge train wreck of a parody. A parody of the classic tale of Beauty and the Beast. In this episode, Belle's father is to be lured to the Beast's castle and the forest will be teeming with bizarre creatures in – the Twilight Zone.

FADE TO BLACK AND THEN SLOWLY FADE TO Maurice AND Phillipe

Maurice holds a lantern up to illuminate the map he's holding. He turns the map every which way and he's obviously lost.

Maurice: We should be there by now. Maybe we missed a turn. I knew we should have taken that left turn at Albeq…

He comes to a worn sign with the names practically erased. Maurice holds up the lantern trying to see the words. There is a fork in the road. One path is dark and spook. The other is bright and filled with animals that like to "move it move it".

Maurice: Which way should I go?

Voice: It's very nice this way.

No one is around except a scarecrow next to the sign, who is pointing to the left. Maurice looks back at his map.

Voice: Although, some people go this way too.

The scarecrow is now pointing in the opposite direction.

Maurice: Wasn't he pointing the other way?

Voice: Of course, some people do go both ways.

The scarecrow has crossed his arms and is pointing in both directions.

Maurice: That's funny. Did he move?

The scarecrow shakes his head, then nods.

Scarecrow: I've been hanging here for ages. D'you think you can let me down?

Maurice: Sorry, but I'm late for the fair. I have to get there before midnight, you see.

Scarecrow: Why is it always midnight?

Maurice: I'm not sure, but could you point me in the right direction?

Scarecrow looks around and shrugs.

Scarecrow: I'm not sure which way is the right way anymore. Best of luck to you though.

Maurice: Let's go this way!

Phillipe looks at the spooky path Maurice has chosen. He shakes his head and turns toward the more inviting path.

Maurice: Come on, Phillipe! It's a shortcut, I think. We'll be there in no time.

Phillipe and Maurice continue through the dark. A wolf howls in the distance frightening them.

Maurice: This can't be right. Where have you taken us Phillipe?

Authoress appears looking completely normal in a black SWISHY CLOAK!

Authoress: (singing) Swishy cloak! I will call him Swishy and he will be mine. My Swishy! (notices Maurice and Phillipe staring at her in mystification) Ahem. Anyway. Umm…Maurice can you repeat that last line?

Maurice: This can't be right! Where have you taken us, Phillipe?

Authoress: Great, now he's got amnesia or Alzheimer's.

Maurice: We'd better turn back…and whoa…whoa boy, whoa Phillipe! Oh, oh! Look out!

Phillipe backs up into a tree. Bats with red glowing eyes fly out of the tree.

Maurice: BATS! BATS! BATS!

The bats fly off into the trees.

Authoress: Ooo…Magic, disappearing bats!

Phillipe runs off terrified, trying to avoid everything in his path. In the dark, he almost runs off the edge of a cliff. He rears up, almost throwing Maurice off his back.

Maurice: Back up! Back up! Good boy, good boy.

Authoress: Why are we repeating everything we say? Everything we say?

Maurice: (preoccupied with Phillipe and doesn't hear her.) Steady, steady! Hey now! Steady. (Phillipe bucks him off and runs off) Phillipe? Oh, no! (Wolves appear and begin growling at him)

Authoress: Quick! I'll dance with the wolves to distract them. They usually do that in Disney movies anyway. You – run!

Authoress dances with wolves while Maurice runs. He runs deeper and deeper into the forest. Suddenly –

Voice: Halt!

Maurice: Wh-What?

In front of him are tall figures with long black robes on.

Maurice: Are you the fearsome knights that say "ni!"?

Knight: We are no longer the knights who say "ni!" (dramatic chord) We are the knights who say "Ecki-ecki-ecki-ptang-zoob-boingenzi"

Authoress: (runs in panting) Man, those wolves can dance! Who are you?

Maurice: I'm…

Authoress: Not you! I know who you are. Who are they?

Knight: We are the knights who say "Ecki-ecki-ecki-ptang-zoob-boingenzi"

Authoress: Oh. But I thought you were all wiped out by saying "it".

Knights: Aah! Don't say that!

Authoress: Sorry. Um, look, can we pass?

Knight: Why should we let you pass?

Authoress: Um, 'cause I'm the Authoress (dramatic chord) of this fic and I've brought you some shrubberies (dramatic chord).

Knight: Are they nice?

Authoress: Yes.

Knight: Do they have a path running through them?

Authoress: Yes.

Knight: Do they have a nice terrace effect?

Authoress: (growing impatient) YES!

Knight: Well, where are they?

Authoress: Right here. (Snaps fingers)

The shrubberies (dramatic chord) magically appear. The Knight examines them.

Knight: Yes, yes. Very satisfactory.

The other Knights murmur their agreement.

Knight: You may pass.

Authoress: Thanks very much! (to Maurice) Carry on.

Maurice goes on running through the forest. Having memory issues and hallucinations, he still thinks the wolves are after him. He runs to a dirt path leading to a wrought iron gate. In front of the gate, there is a TV crew and its host.

Host: Hello and welcome to the M-i-i-i-i-i-ild Kingdom. Today we're at a castle outside of a small French village where a beast is said to reside. We're sending Jim in there looking for the beast.

Jim: Are you sure this is safe.

Host: You'll be fine.

Jim walks to the castle cautiously, and finally goes in.

Host: What Jim doesn't know is that the Beast hates having his picture taken and we've sent Jim in there with a full roll of film and a flash camera.

Twitchy is standing nest to the Host attacking his leg.

Twitchy: Hey! Give-me-back-my-camera! He'sgonnabreakit!

Authoress: What in the shiny 'verse? (marches up to the Host) What are you doing here? You were supposed to be here last week.

Host: Well, we were, but Jim had a little accident with a bear. (chuckles) We stuffed his pockets full of honey!

Authoress: As funny as that sounds you need to get out of here. We have a random fic going on, so… MOVE IT!

Host: Hang on. Jim should be here in 3, 2…

A window crashes and a body flies out. It hits the ground with a loud thud.

Host: …1. Right on schedule. Come on, time to get up, Jim.

Jim is unresponsive.

Host: Medic!

Medics come and take Jim away. The Host goes with the ambulance. The camera crew packs up quickly and leaves. Twitchy mourns over his broken camera. Authoress snaps her fingers and the camera is magically fixed. Twitchy squeals in delight and scampers off.

Authoress: Ah, my work here is done…for now. Ciao!

She disappears. Maurice stumbles to the door and pushes it open with a creak. On the way, he looses his hat.

Maurice: Hello? Hello? (the echo comes back) Huh. Riccola!

Authoress: Now, that's enough!

Watching from a nearby table are Lumiere and Cogsworth.

Lumiere: (barely whispering) Old fellow must have lost his way in the woods.

Cogsworth: (also whispering) Keep quiet! Maybe he'll go away.

Maurice: Is someone there?

Cogsworth: Not a word, Lumiere. Not one word.

Maurice: I don't mean to intrude, but I've lost my horse and I need a place to stay for the night.

Lumiere: (with Puss 'n' Boots eyes) Oh, Cogsworth, have a heart.

Cogsworth: Shut it!

He puts his hand over Lumiere's mouth in an attempt to keep him quiet. Lumiere will have none of it and torches Cogsworth's hand.

Cogsworth: Ow ow ow OW OW OUCH!

Lumiere: Of course, monsieur, you are welcome here!

Maurice looks around perplexed (yeah, that's right. I used the word perplexed. What are you gonna do about it?)

Maurice: Who said that?

He picks up Lumiere not realizing he is the speaker.

Lumiere: Over here (taps him on the shoulder)

Maurice: Where?

He spins around, moving Lumiere to the other side. Lumiere taps Maurice on the side of the head. Maurice turns face to face with Lumiere.

Lumiere: 'Allo!

Maurice gives out a sound that's like a gasp/yell/girly scream and drops Lumiere. Lumiere hits the ground with an 'oof'.

Maurice: Incredible!

Cogsworth hops over.

Cogsworth: Well, now you've done it, Lumiere. Splendid. Just peachy- o- riffic! Aaarrrgghh!

Maurice picks up Cogsworth.

Maurice: How is this accomplished?

He fiddles with Cogsworth.

Cogsworth: Put me down! At once!

Maurice tickles the bottom of Cogsworth's "feet". He laughs.

Cogsworth: (con't) Stop that I say!

Lumiere looks on quietly chuckling a Maurice begins winding the spring on the back of Cogsworth's head, twisting his face around with the clock hands. Maurice opens the front of Cogsworth and begins to play with his pendulum. Cogsworth slams the door shut on his finger (hinges on the left).

Cogsworth: Sir, close that at once! Do you mind?

Maurice: I beg your pardon, it's just that I've never seen a clock that…aah…I mean…aah-aah-aah-choo!!

Maurice sneezes in Cogsworth's face. Dust coat Cogsworth's face which he proceeds to wipe off using his clock hands as windshield wipers. Maurice sniffles, indicating that he has caught a cold.

Lumiere: Oh, you are soaked to the bone, monsieur. Come, warm yourself by the fire.

Maurice: Thank you.

Lumiere and Maurice head towards the den with Cogsworth running after them.

Cogsworth: No, no, no, do you know what the master would do if he finds you here.

Beast is watching the action from an overhead landing and ruches off swishing his cloak as the trio enters the den.

Cogsworth: I demand that you stop…right here!

Everyone stops and stares at a sight by the fireplace. A fox and the Authoress are intrigued by playing a two person shooter game.

Computer: You were killed by NOTDUCKING.

Authoress: Ha ha, you're a comic genius.

SWE: Thank you.

Authoress: But I'm sure you weren't expecting this!

Nothing happens.

SWE: What?

Authoress: Hang on. I think I pushed the wrong button. There we go.

There is the sound of a gun firing and a groan.

Computer: You were shot in the head by A. BULLET.

Stats come on screen.

SWE: And I still managed to beat you.

Authoress: You make me sad. (sees the characters staring at them) Um…we need to get on with the story.

SWE: But I wanted to vaporize Gaston.

Authoress: You can do that later. Now, go find captain-y things to do. (makes him rocket up into the sky) Ciao.

Maurice has sat down in a large chair in front of a roaring fire.

Cogsworth: Oh, no! Not the master's chair!

Footstool: rushes down the stairs, barking up a storm, and knocking down Cogsworth.

SWE: A storm! Where?!

Authoress: What did I say about going to do captain-y things?

SWE beams up to his ship, grumbling to himself.

Cogsworth: I'm not seeing this. I'm not seeing this!

The Footstool rushes up to Maurice.

Maurice: Well, hello there, boy.

Footstool props himself up under Maurice's feet. Coatrack enters and removes his cloak.

Maurice: What service!

Cogsworth: All right, this has gone far enough! I'm in charge here and…

Cogsworth is run over by a teacart that sounds suspiciously like an IndyCar.

Mrs. Potts: How would you like a nice spot of tea, sir? It'll warm you up in no time.

She pours tea into Chip, who hops over into Maurice's hand. The Authoress surveys the scene waiting to leap into action.

Cogsworth: (from face plant on carpet) No! No tea, NO tea!!

Chip: (As Maurice sips the tea) giggles His mustache tickles, Mama!

Maurice: (startled by talking cup) Oh! Hello!

The door slams open (which is an amazing feat, 'cause last I recall the doors were already open.) A strong wind blows into the room extinguishing Lumiere's flames and the fire. All the household objects dive for cover. Maurice sits frightened in a chair. The Authoress remains calmly leaning against the mantle.

Chip: Uh oh!

Scooby Doo: Ruh roh!

Authoress: Scooby, what are you doing here? You hate spooky castles.

Scooby: Ree hee hee hee hee.

Authoress: Fine, have a Scooby snack and then you need to get back to Shaggy.

Scooby: Rohkay! (catches snack in his mouth and licks the Authoress' face. She giggles) Rooby-Dooby Doo!

He disappears.

Beast enters. We see him in full for the first time.

Random Kid: FUZZY!!!!!!!

Beast is on all fours. He looks around in the darkness.

Beast: (growling his words) There are strangers here!

Lumiere: (Who has relit his flames) Master, allow me to explain. The gentleman was lost in the woods and her was cold and wet…

His sentence is drowned out by the Beast's loud roar, which extinguishes his flames again. Lumiere looks down dejected.

Cogsworth: Master, I'd like to take this moment to say – I was against this from the very start. I tried to stop them, but would they listen to me? No, no, no!

The Beast's roar drowns out Cogsworth, who hides beneath the carpet. Beast strides up to the Authoress.

Beast: Who are you?! What are you doing here?!

Authoress: (mockingly) Oh, scary beast, scary beast! I'm afraid! (somewhat annoyed) Please. First, my face needs space! Second you need a tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Thirdly, I'm your mother's, brother's, sister's, boyfriend's, tour-guide's, dog's, therapist's, niece's, cousin's, chauffeur's, son's, aunt's, sister's, babysitter's, daughter's, newt's, second-cousin's, best friend's, roommate!

Beast: But what does that make us?

Authoress: Absolutely nothing.

Beast: You still haven't answered my questions.

Authoress: You should ask him your questions. I'm supposed to be here.

Beast: Oh. (advances on Maurice) Who are you? What are you doing here?

Maurice: (Very scared and backing away) I was lost in the woods and… (stares at Beast)…Wow, you're really hairy.

That doesn't help his situation at all.

Beast: (all up in his grill) You are not welcome here!

Maurice: I'm sorry?

Beast: What are you looking at?

Maurice: (cowers) N-n-nothing!

He turns to go. Beast blocks his path by racing around the chair with super-human speed.

Authoress: Is your name, by any chance, Wally West?

Beast: So you've come to stare at the beast, have you?

Authoress: cough Paranoid cough

Maurice: Please, I meant no harm! I just needed a place to stay!

Beast: I'll give you a place to stay!

He picks up Maurice, carries him out of the room, and slams the door. This plunges the den into semi-darkness.

Authoress: Über-paranoid.

Ghost Of The Machine That Goes Ping: (agreeably) Ping!


	4. Chapter 4

Hey, everybody! Sorry for the long wait, but I caught up in somethings. Anyways, here, as you can see, is the third chapter in this wonderful installment. As usual, I own nothing and all that jazz...

Random Broadway Performers: (singing) And all that jazz! (jazz hands and spirit fingers)

All silliness aside, I am hopeful that I'll get about two or three more chapters up this weekend. (Three day weekend, w00t!)

R&R please! Enjoy!**

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FADE IN TO Belle's cottage, seen from Gaston and Lefou's POV.

Lefou: Heh! Oh boy! Belle's gonna get the surprise of her life, huh, Gaston!

Gaston: Yep, this is her lucky day.

He lets go of the branch he was holding and walks away. The branch swings back and hits Lefou in the mouth, filling his mouth with leaves.

Lefou: (thinking) _Why do I always get hit?_

Gaston turns to address the band, wedding guests, and others apparently just out of sight of Belle's cottage.

Gaston: I'd like to thank you all for coming to my wedding. But first, I better go in and propose to the girl. (winks)

Everyone, except the Bimbettes who are crying their eyes out, laughs heartily.

Authoress: Ha ha ha. You're a comic genius.

Gaston: (to Lefou) Now, you Lefou. When Belle and I come out that door…

Lefou: Oh I know! I know!!

Turns and directs band in up-tempo version of 'Here Comes the Bride'. Gaston slams a baritone over his head.

Lefou: Again with the hitting?

Gaston: Wait for it!

Lefou: Sorry.

CUT TO:

Inside of cottage. Belle is curled up in a chair reading her new book. There is a knock at the door. Belle sets down her book somewhat dejectedly and goes to the door. She pulls down an overcomplicated viewing device-thingy. She looks through and sees a funky view of Gaston. She groans and pulls the door open. The door is opened to the **INSIDE**

Belle: Gaston, what a pleasant…surprise.

Gaston: Isn't it though?

Belle: (mumbling) No!

Gaston: What?

Belle: (all innocent-like) Nothing.

Gaston: Well, I'm just full of surprises. You know, Belle, there's not a girl in town who wouldn't love to be in your shoes. This is the day…

He pauses at a mirror and licks his teeth clean. The mirror cracks.

Gaston: Yeah. This is the day your dreams come true.

Belle: What do you know about my dreams, Gaston? (thinking) _You stupid conceited git. _

Gaston: Plenty. Here, picture this.

He plops down in the chair Belle vacated and props his mud-covered boots on Belle's book. How they got mud-covered, I don't know. They were clean a moment ago. Maybe Genie had something to do with it. But I digress. Gaston kicks his boots off as her speaks and wiggles his toes through his holey socks. The socks now have a glow around them.

Authoress: No! Not holy…holey!

The socks change back as huffily as they can, for they are socks after all.

Gaston: A rustic hunting lodge, my latest kill roasting on the fire, and my little wife massaging my feet, while the little ones play on the floor with the dogs.

Belle looks disgusted. Gaston gets all up in her grill.

Gaston: We'll have six or seven.

Belle: Dogs? (thinking) _Oh, if only I could blow up his big bloated head. _

Gaston: No, Belle! Strapping boys, like me.

Belle picks up her book, places a mark in it, and puts it on the shelf.

Belle: Imagine that. (thinking) _You've gotta be kidding me. _

Gaston: And do you know who that wife will be?

Belle: Let me think. (thinking) _Please don't say my name, please don't say my name…_

Gaston: (corners Belle) You Belle!

Belle: (ducks under Gaston's arms) Gaston, I'm speechless. I really don't know what to say. (thinking) _How does 'heck no!' sound?_

Gaston pushes furniture out of his way all "macho" and "manly-like" to get to Belle and traps her against the door.

Gaston: Say you'll marry me.

Belle: You'll marry me.

Gaston: That's rig…wait. What?

Belle: Gaston, I'm getting fed up with this. Why don't you leave me alone and go hit on someone else!

She knees him in the tenderest of places if you catch my drift. He doubles over groaning. Belle stands over him looking triumphant. The song 'Kung Fu Fighting' starts up. Belle goes all kung fu on his butt. He leans against the door to catch his breath. Belle opens the door **OUTWARDS** and Gaston tumbles out into a mud puddle.

The wedding band begins to play "Here Comes the Bride". Gaston's boots are thrown out of the door (now opened **INWARD**) and the door is slammed shut.

Lefou, who is directing the band, sees Gaston's legs sticking out of the mud and a pigs head sticking up. Lefou cuts off the band and Gaston's head pops up.

Lefou: So how'd it go?

Gaston: (picks up Lefou) I'll have Belle for my wife, make no mistake about that! (throws him into mud and stalks off)

Lefou: (to Pig) Touchy!

The Pig grunts in agreement.

Belle opens the door (**inwards**) and peeks out.

Belle: Is he gone? Can you imagine? He asked me to marry him! Me the wife of that boorish, brainless…

Authoress: Spontaneous musical number!

Belle: Madame Gaston, can't you just see it. Madame Gaston, his little wife. Not me, no sir. I guarantee it, I want much more than this provincial life…

Music swells as she runs up a hill.

Belle: The hills are alive…with the sound of music!

Authoress: Whoa! What?! Wrong song, Belle!

Belle: Oh, sorry. (Music swells again) I want adventure in the great wide somewhere! I want it more than I can tell. And for once it might be grand; to have someone understand…I want so much more than they've got planned…

Phillipe runs into the open field, neighing up a storm.

Belle: Phillipe! What's wrong? What are you doing here? Where's Papa? Did Timmy fall down the well? Was he attacked by a panther?

Phillipe shakes his head.

Belle: Did Papa fall down the well? Was he attacked by a panther?

Phillipe shakes his head again.

Belle: He was abducted by aliens, wasn't he?!

Phillipe rolls his eyes.

Belle: I knew it all along! We have to find him! You have to take me to the mothership where he's being held!

She unhitches the wagon and climbs on.


	5. Chapter 5

Hi everyone! Sorry to be so late with this chapter, but school came up. I hope you like it and once again: I own nothing, nothing! Um, yeah that's about it. Enjoy!

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Belle is galloping through the forest on Phillipe.

Authoress: Look out!

Phillipe rears up and comes to a halt. In front of him is a shaking ball of fluff.

Belle & Authoress: Aww...

The little ball of fluff looks up at them with huge eyes that take up about seventy - percent of his head. Authoress scoops him up.

Authoress: Aw. Mort, what are you doing her? Did the mean scary wolves attack again?

Mort: (clings to her) Mmm-hmm.

Authoress: Aw.

Before the group can move on a man clad in green tights leaps down from a tree.

Man In Tights: Bonjour!

Authoress: Do we have to go through the song again?

The Man blinks at her confused. Belle is thoroughly confused as well.

Belle: Who are you?

Man: Oh, of course. How rude of me. Oh, Merry Men!

Merry Men: Dada dadada dum!

Man In Tights: I steal from the rich and give to the needy!

Merry Man 1: He takes a wee percentage,

Man In Tights: But I'm not greedy! I rescue pretty damsels, man I'm good!

Merry Men: What a guy! Monsieur Hood!

Robin Hood: Break it down!

Authoress: Stop! Stop! Stop! First of all Robin Hood is and ENGLISH folk hero! Second that's not the song you're supposed to sing. You're supposed to sing this one.

She produces a script from the folds of her cloak and hands it to Robin .

Robin : (reads it) Oh, uh huh, uh huh, _uh huh_. Hey, does that really happen?

Authoress: Hey! No reading ahead!

She snatches the script away and smacks him over the head with it.

Robin : Ow.

He looks at the script with longing. He tries to reach for the script surreptitiously, but the Authoress notices and smacks his hand away.

Authoress: Hands off, Locksley. You, nor anyone else for that matter, is ever gonna see this again. (Snaps her fingers and the script disappears in a puff of smoke) Now, go, sing, be merry!

She pushes him towards the Merry Men.

Robin : Fine be that way.

Authoress: Okay, I will. Now sing.

Robin & Merry Men: (singing) _We're men, We're men in tights!  
__We roam around the forest looking for fights!  
__We're men, We're men in tights  
__We rob from the rich and give to the poor  
__That's right!  
__We may look like sissies, but watch what you say  
__Or else we'll put out your lights!  
__We're men, We're men in tights!  
__Always on guard  
__Defending the people's rights_

_We're men, Manly men!  
__We're men in tights!  
__Yes!  
__We roam around the forest looking for fights  
__We're men, We're men in tights!  
__We rob from the rich and give to the poor  
__That's right!  
__We may look like pansies, but don't get us wrong  
__Or else we'll put out your lights  
__We're men, We're men in tights  
__(Tight tights)  
__Always on guard  
__Defending the people's rights  
__When you're in a fix  
__Just call for the men in tights  
__We're butch!_

Robin: Well, that was slightly embarassing.

Authoress: But highly amusing. Now if you'll excuse us.

She begins to lead Phillipe away.

Robin : Wait. I can't just let you go without getting something.

Authoress: What happened to rob from the rich and give to the poor, helping women and children, and all that jazz?

Random Broadway Performers: (singing) And all that jazz! (jazz hands and spirit fingers)

Robin: Times are tough.

Authoress: How 'bout this: a mob will come soon-ish, I guess, and you can rob them.

Robin considers this for a moment.

Robin: All right you've got yourself a deal.

They shake on it. Robin bows with a flourish.

Robin: Until we meet again, fair ladies.

Authoress rolls her eyes and walks on leading Phillipe. They come to the same fork in the road. Something caught their eye. A whole bunch of lemurs were partying.

Lemur King: I like to move it, move it! I like to move it, move it! I like to…

Lemurs: Move it!

They notice the people staring at them. Mort has jumped down from Authoress's arms and is now dancing, spinning on his head, etc. A tall (for a lemur at least) is carried up to them.

Julian: Please fell free to bask in my glow. And to check out my crown. It's got a gecko on it. Look at him shake! Go Stevie go!

Authoress: We'd love to, really. But we gotta get to the castle.

The Lemurs gasp.

Julian: The castle?

Authoress: Um…yes.

Julian: The scary haunted one?

Authoress: Yep.

The Lemurs look at each other.

Julian: Bye-bye.

The Lemurs rush off with clouds of dust trailing behind them. Belle is confused.

Belle: But I thought we were looking for a mothership.

Authoress and Phillipe roll their eyes.

Authoress: Belle, now is not the time to go dumb blonde on me.

Belle: But I'm a brunette…

Authoress and Phillipe roll their eyes again. They go down the spooky looking path.

Belle: Ya know if only I were a Betazoid I could sense him.

Authoress: Um…okay…

Knight: Halt.

Authoress: Oh, hey knights. What's new?

Knight: None shall pass.

Authoress: Actually, that's an old thing and I thought that was the Black Knight's thing.

Knight: Oh, well it was, but he was vanquished remember?

Authoress: Well, yeah, but…

There is a strange noise interrupts her. A wave of energy hits them and they are knocked to the ground. The Authoress gets up first.

Authoress: Das war sehr bizarr.

Everyone stares at her and she looks pretty shocked herself.

Knight: Was ist denn los?

Authoress: Oh mein lieber Gott! Wir sind Deutsch sprechen!

All (except Authoress): Was!

Authoress: Ich habe gesagt: Wir sprechen nur Deutsch!!

Knight: Das ist interessant. Jetzt musst du den gewaltigest Baum in dem Wald fallen mit einem Hering!

Authoress: Warum?

(sound of film slowing down. Words appear on screen.)

**We apologise for the incorrect dubbing of this chapter, Those responsible have been sacked. **

The film starts up again.

Knight: Ich weiß nicht, weil du musst.

Film slows again.

**We apologise again for the wrongful dubbing of this chapter. Those responsible for the sacking of the original offenders have been sacked. **

Authoress: Aber, ich gebe dir Strauchen!

Film slows again.

**Once again, we apologise for the incorrect dubbing and we would like to inform you that those responsible for sacking those responsible for sacking those responsible have been sacked. Also, the dubbing has been redone at an enormous cost. **

Whirring of film starting up again.

Knight: Well that's all well and dandy, but…hey! I'm speaking English again! Whoo hoo!

He starts to jump around and do a little dance with his fellow Knights.

Authoress: Come on, let's go.

They sneak past the happy dancing Knights. They go down the path until they reach the castle. A dramatic chord fills the air and lightning flashes across the sky. Belle and Authoress enter. A wolf howls in the distance. Belle looks freaked.

Belle: Werewolf.

Authoress: Werewolf?

Belle nods.

Belle: Werewolf.

Authoress points into the distance at a pair of glowing eyes.

Authoress: There wolf. (points at castle) There castle.

Belle: Why are you talking like that?

Authoress: I thought you wanted to.

Belle: No, I don't want to.

Authoress: Oh. Well, don't worry. If there are any werewolves, it's probably just Lupin and he's harmless. Most off the time…

They get closer to the castle.

Belle: Wow. So this is what a mothership looks like.

Authoress rolls her eyes and a human butler appears behind them.

Butler-Type-Guy: Good evening.

Both characters jump.

Authoress: What are you doing here, Wadsworth?

Butler: I'm the butler here.

Authoress: Um, I've got that part, but what are you doing here?

Wadsworth: I'm buttling.

Authoress: Yeah, got that, too. But why are you here…in this castle?

Wadsworth laughs mysteriously and disappears.

Authoress: (muttering) Show-off.

Belle is busy following a light up a staircase.

Belle: It's so pretty. Hey! Maybe my Papa's here! Papa?

Maurice: Belle?

Belle: Oh, Papa! Holy flying monkeys! Your hands are like ice!

Maurice: Belle, listen to me! It's dangerous here! There's a…

Beast: (from the shadows) Tsk, tsk. It's not nice to talk about your host that way.

Belle: Well it's not very nice to keep him locked up here in your mothership! Can't you see he's sick?!

Beast: Then he shouldn't have been trespassing! Wait…my mothership? I live in a castle.

Belle: That doesn't matter right now. Could I stay here in my father's place?

Beast: You would do that?

Belle: Um, yeah…that's what I just said.

Maurice: No, Belle! I'm old. I've lived my life!

Beast: Shut up, old man!

Belle: Oh, wait, what am I saying? I haven't even seen you…come into the light.

The Beast steps into the light and Belle's eyes get all wide. Authoress leaps on the Beast knocking him down with a big hug.

Authoress: Bison!!

Belle: You're really hairy.

Beast: That's your first thought after seeing me? You're hairy?

Belle: Yup.

Beast: Right…have you made your choice?

Belle: Yeah, I'm gonna kick it here with you in your crib, dawg.

Beast: Forizzle?

Belle: Fo-rizzle.

Beast: Oh, okay. Bye, old man!

He throws him out the window.

Maurice: (from below) I'm okay!

This is possible because no one but the evil peoples can die in Disney. Parents usually die before the story, so Maurice is in no danger…I think.

Belle: What is your problem? You didn't even let me say good-bye.

Beast: Yeah, well, you coulda said it before he hit the ground.

Belle: You're a big meanie!

Beast: Whatever. I'll show you to your room.

Belle: But I thought…

Beast: Do you want to stay in the tower?

Belle: Is that an option?

Beast: No! Now follow me.

They are now walking down one of the hallways. Beast is using Lumiere to light the way.

Lumiere: Say something to her.

Beast: Uh, I hope you like it here.

Lumiere motions for him to go on.

Beast: The castle is your home now so you can go anywhere, except the West Wing.

Belle: What's in the…

Some Grunka-lunkas come out into the middle of the hallway.

Grunka-Lunkas: Grunka-lunka-dunkity-dasis. What's in the West Wing's on a need to know basis.

They exit stage right.

Belle: But what's in the…

Beast: It's forbidden.

Belle: Is there treasure…?

Beast: Is your name Pandora, by any chance?

Belle: No, it's Belle.

Beast: Oh.

They stop in front of a door.

Beast: If you need anything, my servants will attend you.

Lumiere: (in Beast's ear) Dinner. Invite her to dinner.

Beast: You will…join me for dinner. That is not a request!

Belle gasps and flings herself onto the bed. At least that's what she was trying to do. She misses the bed and lands face first on the floor.

Belle: Ow.

* * *

Hope y'all found that at least a little bit funny. I should have the next chapter up soon (crosses fingers). In the meantime, y'all can push that cute square button and really feed my ego...uh...make my day. See you cats on the flip flop, later!


	6. Chapter 6

**CHAPTER 5 **

**(Otherwise known as the bar scene)**

FADE TO: Town square,

We go into the Tavern. It's packed. Creatures and people of all shapes and sizes are there. There are Hobbits playing D & D.

Hobbit 1: Where's the Mountain Dew?

Hobbit 2: What spell do you want to use?

Hobbit 3: I wanna use Magic Missile.

Hobbit 2: At what? There's nothing there.

Hobbit 3: At the darkness!

All laugh and Hobbit 4 comes up with a huge mug.

Hobbit 1: What's that?

Hobbit 4: This, my friend, is a pint of Mountain Dew.

Hobbit 1: It comes in pints? I'm getting one!

He scurries off. (Ha! I said scurries!) Fry and Bender are outside the door.

Fry: Hey, look! Just like that John Wayne movie!

He pushes through the doors all suave-like, but then the doors come back, hit him in the chest, and send him flying backward.

Bender: Ha ha, jerk.

Patrons are scattered at tables and at the bar. Penguin Waiters (from Mary Poppins) are scurrying about. In one of the dark corners, Bagheera Clones in flight jackets are conversing quietly. SWE and his Crew sit at a table quietly surveying the action until the time cones to pounce into action. SWE is drinking Canada Dry Ginger Ale©®. Bonejangles and his Skeleton Band are playing with Sam at his piano. He looks really nervous to be playing with a bunch of skeletons. He looks to Rick, who is standing by the bar, for reassurance. Rick nods to him.

Backstage the Talent Nite entries are nervously warming up. Drakken is running through his rap with Shego looking on and rolling her eyes, Chip and Dale are running through their dance moves, and Vader is choking one of his officers.

Suddenly the piano sounds like it's being attacked. Sam's Piano has been commandeered (nautical term) by a group of drunken Australians.

Aussies: (Drunkenly and at the top of their lungs) Waltzing Matilda, Waltzing Matilda! You'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me! And he sang as he watched and he waited 'til his billy boiled. You'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me.

When they finish there is some polite applause. James Bond, Johnny English, and Clouseau walk in, get martinis (shaken, not stirred), and begin to talk quietly. The subject seems to be on how Clouseau got vases on his hands. At the table next to the three spies sits Mal and his Crew, including Book and Wash. This is possible because _Serenity _happened in an Alternate Universe, and therefore they are all alive. They seem to be listening to Book talk about "Special Hell". At a table behind them, Badger and Niska, who is wrapped in bandages, are talking quietly and glaring at Serenity's crew.

Indy and Salah arrive and sit at a table with Van Helsing and Karl. Indy brings out a curious-looking metal object and hands it to Van Helsing. Van Helsing examines it, holding it up to the light.

Han and Chewie come in to the tavern. Han accidentally knocks Indy forward as he walks past. Indy jumps up, making his chair fall back. He's ready for a fight. Han turns around and they both pause and stare at each other.

Indy: Holy…

They look so much alike they could be twins. Han moves his hand and Indy mirrors it. They move in tandem doing the moonwalk, moving their legs, etc.

Indy: What in the name of Harrison Ford…?

This goes on and it gets rather boring, so let's look around more, shall we? A large group of people is gathered around Captain Jack Sparrow. He's telling them various tales of his exploits. The evil, yet wicked cute, Undead Monkey sits on his shoulder. Jack's Crew is sitting around, drinking rum, playing/cheating at cards, and listening to Jack. Every once in a while Cotton's Parrot chimes in.

Jack: And then they made me their chief!

The Bimbettes are listening intently. They sigh over Jack.

Bimbette 1: He's so handsome!

Bimbette 2: And so strong!

Bimbette 3 doesn't say anything 'cos she's fainted. No one bothers to help her, because they are all in raptures over Sparrow.

By the way, what exactly do the Bimbettes do? I mean are they barmaids, or are they Gaston's groupies or what? What is their purpose! GAH! (breathing heavily) OK. Sorry. I'm fine. I'm done. Back to the story. I think I need a cookie.

The bar is packed just as the tables are. Baloo is talking to Louie as a hyper Molly (too much Frosty Pep) spins around on a barstool. (Rebecca's gonna give Baloo heck when she hears he took Molly to this bar).

Baloo: I'm just sayin', Louie, the Health Department might shut you down.

Louie: Not to worry, cuz. They'd never do that.

Baloo: But Louie, you serve food with your feet!

Next to them, a group of Jedis are having a drink, comparing lightsabers, and doing whatever males do. (the female Jedis opted for a Girl's Night In I guess). Kaylee is deep in conversation with Han and Gadget about mechanics, the Falcon, Serenity, etc. A buff (with fab abs) Naked Mole Rat that sounds like Worf is talking to a Barkeep.

NMR: Prune juice, please. For that is a warrior's drink.

As he gets his drink, a fuzzy ball of fur comes up next to him and begins to squeak madly.

NMR: (disgusted) Tribbles. Vile creatures.

On the bartop, there is a tiny table. At it, sit seven rodents and a fly. All drink from thimbles and discuss their work with the Rescue Aid Society. A bug waiter comes up and serves them all pea soup. Gollum is beside them crouching on the bar and tearing into a fish.

Gollum: Nasty hobbitses. They drove us to this.

Barkeep: Oi! Slow up there! That's your fifth fish tonight!

Gollum: Gollum has no problem. We can stops whenever we likes. Isn't that right precious? Gollum, Gollum.

The Barkeep rolls his eyes and we pan over to Sasha and the Authoress. Sasha is mixing some kind of concoction and Authoress is leaning against the bar surveying the scene. SWE is getting bored and wants some action. He notices that the glare from his watch is catching the Authoress' attention. He begins to move the dot of light around. Authoress' head follows the light and she begins to paw at it. It travels behind her and she leans back to catch it.

THUD!

She falls down from the stool to the floor.

Authoress: Ow.

SWE: (laughing) I thought cats always landed on their feet.

Authoress: Kiss my grits.

She gets back on the barstool as Sasha puts a Frosty in front of her.

Sasha: For you, 'cos Yvonne, I love you.

Authoress: Sasha, that's nice and all, but I'm not Yvonne. I'm the Authoress!

(dramatic chord)

She begins eating the Frosty and takes in the sights. Bonejangles, Sam, and the Skeleton Band are vacating the stage. Authoress swallows the rest of the chocolaty soquid on her fpoon and walks up to the stage. She takes a mic from the stagehand.

Authoress: Welcome to our amateur talent night! Let's hear some noise!

The Crowd roars (some literally).

Authoress: Okay, that's enough. Before we start, I'd like everyone to put the safety on all guns, plunger guns, phasers, and any other weapon. The safety is the little button next to the trigger.

The Patrons fiddle with their weapons and one accidentally goes off.

Authoress (con't): Get his butt out of here! (the Person is dragged from the bar) Also everyone turn off all cell phones, communicators, and other things that make noise, so Baloo you need to put Molly away. Our first contestants: Uncle Theodore, Ned Nub, Cousin Algernon, P. Pock, and Rollo Rumkin. Otherwise known as the Phantom Five!

The Audience claps and whistles. A cart is rolled on to the stage. Authoress whips off the cover to reveal five stone busts. The busts open their eyes and begin to sing in perfect harmony with Uncle Theodore leading the way.

Phantom Five: When the crypt doors creak

And the tombstones quake

Spooks come out for a swinging wake

Happy haunts materialize

And begin to vocalize

Grim Grinning Ghosts come out to socialize

Now don't close your eyes

And don't try to hide or a silly spook may sit by your side

Shrouded in a daft disguise

They pretend to terrorize

Grim Grinning Ghosts come out to socialize

As the moon climbs high o'er the dead oak tree

Spooks arrive for the midnight spree

Creepy creeps with eerie eyes start to shriek and harmonize

Grim Grinning Ghosts come out to socialize.

When you hear the knell of a requiem bell

Weird glows gleam where spirits dwell

Restless bones etherealize

Rise as spooks of every size.

If you would like to join our jamboree

There's a simple rule that's compulsory

Mortals pay a token fee

Rest in Peace – the haunting's free

So hurry back, we would like your company.

There is a good amount of applause and the Busts bow their heads in response. The Authoress gets back on stage.

Authoress: The Phantom Five!

The Busts are wheeled off stage. An über-drunk Jack Sparrow saunters up on stage. His speech is slurred immensely.

Jack: 'ow 'bout a round of song, maties?! Yo ho Yo ho, a pirate's life for me! Everybody!

He notices the Authoress. He saunters over all manly and drunk like. The Undead Monkey jumps from his shoulder to the Authoress', the shoulder that doesn't have the Ghost of the Machine that Goes Ping that is. Authoress strokes the Monkey's fur as Jack (the pirate, not the monkey) approaches.

Jack: 'ello, luv.

Authoress: Okay, you've had a little to much to drink.

Jack: No, I 'aven't.

Authoress: You see that chair over there?

Jack: Yeah…

Authoress: Go sit in it, okay?

Jack: 'Kay.

He stumbles over to the chair and sits down.

Authoress: Okay, next up is Dr D. Give it up.

The Audience claps as Drakken comes on stage.

Drakken: Thank you! Thank you! Shego, give me a beat. (there's no reply) Fine, shoulda mindchipped her. If you want a beat done right (starts beatboxing).

Yo, yo, yo,

I used to be Drew,

Then one day I turned blue

As a sweet chewy berry, it makes me look scary

And I ponytailed my hair-y

Got me a nasty scar

And a funky fresh flying car

Now Drew be Dr. Drakken

So quit that yakkin'

Think I'm out?

Ha! I'm back in!

My lippy sidekick, Shego

She kicks me in my ego

Got the freaky glowing hands

Mocks my super genius plans

Makes me do my defeat dance

Worked out all command.

Ahh! Got it back.

Had dreams to rule the world

Or build a better robot girl

All end in rejection

So after introspection

I turned my career in another direction

Thanks to one all that teen

Mr. Mean is squeaky clean

Though my face is still blue

Tell ya what I can do

Sell you all some freaky shampoo

Lather rinse and obey

It's time to wash your hair today

You may think I'm a villain

Yo, I'm just chillin'

Come on let me hear you say

Lather rinse and obey

I'm a player just playing his play

My product's in a rap song

Come and get your wash on

With Dr. D's Brainwashing Shampoo and Cranium Rinse

For shizzie it's off the hizzie.

At the end of his rap, there is a smattering of applause. Don Karnage is acting as judge.

Karnage: I am not acting!

Fine is the judge.

Karnage: Thank you. I am thinking that you are in needing of singing lessons, yes-no?

Drakken: But I'm rapping about evil shampoo.

Karnage: Evil shampoo? Well, that is a tune of a different color. But you still don't win.

Drakken: But that's not fair.

Karnage: I am a pirate. I do not do fair.

Drakken can't think of a good come back so he stomps off stage mumbling to himself. Karnage smirks.

Authoress: Okay then. Next up, the penguins!

The Penguins come out.

Penguins: Don't push us, 'cause we're close to the edge.

The music starts and they tap their cute little flippers. They're good even without Dick Van Dyke. They end with a flourish and slide off stage. The Audience applauds and the Authoress is back on stage introducing the next act.

Authoress: All right, nice job boys, Our final entry is a father-son duo with special guest Genie. Let's hear it for Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker!

There is thunderous applause as Vader and Luke walk out. Authoress greets them with hugs and banter that isn't really relevant to the story. She high fives Genie and walks off stage. The music starts up and Genie turns into Darth Sidious.

Genie (As Darth Sidious): It's not the East or the West side.

Darth Vader: No, it's not.

Genie As Darth Sidious: It's not the North or the South side.

Darth Vader: No, it's not.

Genie As Darth Sidious: It's the Dark Side.

Darth Vader: That is correct.

Genie As Darth Sidious: Can't front the Empire. So to all you Vader-haters out there we'll blow your planet up.

Darth Vader: What is thy bidding, my master?

Genie As Darth Sidious: It's a disaster, Skywalker we're after.

Darth Vader: But if he could be turned to the Dark Side,

Genie As Darth Sidious: Yes, he'd be a powerful ally. Another dark Jedi.

Darth Vader: He will join us or die.

Stormtroopers have filed in behind Vader and have started dancing.

Darth Vader (con't): We got Death Star!

Stormtroopers: Death Star!

Darth Vader: We got Death Star!

Stormtroopers: Death Star!

Darth Vader: We got Death Star!

Stormtroopers: Death Star!

Darth Vader: We got Death Star!

Stormtroopers: Death Star!

Darth Vader: Man, ya know that we got it…

Stormtroopers: Death Star!

Darth Vader: Man, ya know that we got it…

Stormtroopers: Death Star!

The Stormtroopers are break dancing as best they can in their armor. Genie morphs in to Uncle Owen

Genie As Uncle Owen: Luke? Get yer ass over here right now. Quit monkeyin' around with that dang landspeeder. Where are them two droids I asked you to clean, boy? Ya cleaned yer room?

Jawas file in to be back-up dancers and Luke walks onstage. The Bimbettes scream. Luke grins and winks at them and they faint.

Luke: Uncle Owen, I know I'm on probation

I cleaned the droids, can I go to the Tashe station?

I got a layaway on a power converter

But now you're treating me like a scruffy nerf herder.

Genie morphs into Obi-Wan.

Genie As Obi-Wan: Luke, use the force and run.

Run to Dagobah, run to Dagobah,

Luke, use the force and run.

Run to Dagobah, run to Dagobah,

Genie does a quick change into YODA. It's kinda funny to see a blue YODA.

Genie As Yoda: I'm Yoda

I'm a soldia

I'll mold ya

Then fold ya

I thought I told ya

Don't be unwise

Judge me not by my size

You won't believe your eyes

Watch the X-wing rise

Luke: Yoda, why ya bein' a playa-hata?

You know that I still must confront Lord Vader.

Genie As Yoda: But, Luke, not ready are you.

Luke: But there's a city in the clouds where their keepin' my crew.

A Jedi's gotta do what a Jedi's gotta do

So now Vader I'm comin' for you.

R2 time to set a new course.

We're going to Cloud City.

This is a mighty good gin and tonic,

Won't ya fix me up another?

R2 beep and the crowd goes wild. The Alien Band (from the cantina) is playing some techno. R2 rolls to the middle of the floor and starts breakdancing. As he begins to spin on his dome, 3PO joins him. He does the robot of course. Vader and Luke ignite their lightsabers.

Barkeep: No blasters! No blasters!

Vader and Luke fight.

Vader: Impressive, now release your anger.

You must sense that your friends are in danger.

Luke: Oh, why'd you slice off my hand?!

Vader: It's imperative that you understand.

Obi-Wan would never bother

Tellin' you about your father.

Luke: He told me enough

He told me you kill him.

Vader: Then there's something I must reveal then

I'm your father

Luke, I'm your father!

I'm your father

Luke, I'm your father!

Vader grabs a mic.

Vader: When I say "Death", you say "Star".

We got Death

Crowd: Star!

Vader: Death

Crowd: Star!

Vader: When I say "Death", you say "Star".

We got Death

Crowd: Star!

Vader: Death

Crowd: Star!

Luke: All right now y'all, big finish!

The Alien Band begins to play Celtic Music. With Luke and Vader in the front and Stormtroopers in the back, they do an intricate Irish step dance. The crowd is going completely nuts at this point. The act finishes and you can feel the foundation shaking from all the cheers and applause. The Duo bows to the audience. The Authoress squeezes through the Crowd to get to the stage.

Authoress: All right! Wow, that was amazing! Nice one you guys!

Vader: The force is strong with us.

Authoress: Okay, can I have all the contestants on stage? They all file out and stand in a line. Authoress jumps down and converses with Don Karnage.

Don Karnage: I am thinking that the one most deserving of this prize is…my wonderful self!

Authoress: Um…no.

After threats of boiling in vinegar and maybe some salt, they come to a decision. Authoress jumps back on stage where the acts are waiting anxiously.

Authoress: And the winner is…my wonderful self? Karnage! (he smirks) I'll deal with you later. The real winner is the father and son duo of Vader and Luke!

The cheering is foundation shaking. It goes on for a good long while as Luke and Vader take their bows and except the trophy.

Authoress: Alright, congrats you guys! Now, it's Christmas Eve and y'all know what that means. Every one grab some cocoa. Sam, if you would be so kind.

Sam sits down at his piano.

SAM: Okay, Boss. What do you want to hear?

Authoress: Let's start with 'The Christmas Song'. Sing it if you know it!

Everyone: Christmas, Christmas time is here

Time for toys and time for cheer

We pull back to see that there are two parts to the bar. One side has the merry singing Characters and the other has Gaston, the Villains, and their Sidekicks. So the characters on one side of the bar are in party mode and the villains are giving them death stares and plotting. Suddenly a bluish portal appears where the Authoress and Bonejangles are rocking out on stage. The Audience freaks as four figures walk out of the bluish liquid gel stuff. The bluish liquid gel stuff disappears as they walk out.

Strange Looking Sarcastic Man: Well, Daniel, any idea where we are?

Authoress: Jack!

Capt. Sparrow: You called, luv?

Authoress: Not you! Col. Jack O'Neill.

The One Called Daniel: Well, the gate seems to have disappeared and there's no apparent way of dialing it back.

O'Neill: (muttering) Thank you, Captain Obvious.

Carter: Sir, if we find some kind of power generation to configure the warp stream then I can divert the power into the atmosphere and create a temporary wormhole that should get us back the SGC.

Teal'c: Indeed.

O'Neill: Wha?

Monty: Crikey! She said should!

Carter: Well, do you have a better idea?

O'Neill: I don't know what to do.

Carter: You spent seven years on MacGyver and you can't figure something out? We-we've got belt buckles, and tube socks, and shoelaces, and some chewing gum. Build a nuclear reactor for crying out loud! You used to be MacGyver, MacGadget, MacGimmick and now you're Mr. MacUseless. Dear God, I'm stuck on some unknown planet with MacGyver!

Daniel and Teal'c are sniggering. Ha, that's a fun word – sniggering. C'mon say it. Snigger, sniggered, sniggering. O'Neill rolls his eyes like "not again".

O'Neill: Can you give that to me in captain-dummy talk?

Carter: Um, I just did.

Meanwhile, Daniel is taking in the local scene of totally perplexed (Ha! I said perplexed. Ok, I'm done.) characters.

Daniel: Um, Jack…

O'Neill: What? (notices staring patrons) Oh right. Um…(does Vulcan hand symbol) We come in peace.

Spock: Oh, you think that's funny do you?

Authoress: Is it always like this?

Jack: Pretty much.

Teal'c: Indeed.

Spock: (raises eyebrow) You are very logical.

Teal'c: (raises eyebrow) Indeed.

Daniel is deep in conversation with Authoress. Carter is speaking with Gadget and Kaylee about how to create a temporary wormhole. Teal'c and Spock are having a discussion that involves saying 'logical' and 'indeed' many times. Jack is looking up at the ceiling like "Why me?".

Will Carter find a power generator to configure the warp-thingamajig and divert power into the…um…air and create some kind of technical thingy? Will Jack eventually go crazy? Will Teal'c stop saying "Indeed"? Will the Authoress get a cookie? Tune in sometime in the near future for the exciting conclusion or at least part two!


	7. Chapter 7

Holy monkeys...has it really been over a year since I've updated? I'm really sorry guys...senior year caught up with me and then my first year of university happened, but look! The chapter is here now. Thanks to a rather exuberant reader for calling my attention back to this story. Yeah, you know who you are. This chapter's for you **and** you get a cookie: (::)! Yay!

Enjoy the latest chapter, my freaky darlings! And I promise you won't have a crazy wait/hiatus like that again. I'll be updating regularly, about every week or so now. Cheers!

* * *

Sweet monkeys that last chapter was long, and we're not even done yet. Okay I've got a sugar rush so we're gonna see if I can get this story written in one sitting. Okey-dokey, here we go!

When we left off I was introducing all the villains, but I think I missed some. Anyhoo, then SG1 showed up and they're trying to find a way to create a temporary wormhole. Back to the story.

Gadget, Kaylee, and Sam are doing MacGyver like things with some beer mugs and wires. A blue electricity crackles from the mugs and then fizzles away. The techies go back to the task talking in a language that the others in their respective groups can't understand. So it's probably girl talk.

On the other side of the bar, the other villains are trying to cheer up Gaston. They aren't succeeding.

Lefou: (with as much authority as he can muster) Okay, you all need to give him some space! Everyone not directly affiliated with the plot – get out of here!

They all stare at him like 'excuse me?'

Lefou: You will respect my authoritay!

The villains grumble as they file out.

Prince Humperdink: (whiny) Well, where are we going to go now?

Madame Leota floats above the crowd in her crystal ball.

Madame Leota: I know a place that's free,

To the Haunted Mansion, follow me!

The Villians rush out. All 999 Ghosts look at the Villains rushing out in horror before they too rush to the door.

Gus: Shotgun!

Authoress: Hurry back…hurry back. *giggles*

Lefou: Thank you!

The room is silent except for the crackling of the fire, quiet conversations, and small explosions coming from the potential wormhole-creating device. Lefou walks over to Gaston from the bar carrying two mugs of beer.

Lefou: Why the long face?

Gaston: You know why.

Lefou: Sometimes it's good to talk about these things. Let your true feelings out in the open.

Gaston: Huh?

Lefou: Uh, I saw it on Oprah. So how do you feel?

Gaston: Dismissed, rejected, publicly humiliated, Why it's more than I can bear.

He throws the beers into the fire and they explode.

Adam: WOW! Did you see that? The mugs exploded! There's shrapnel everywhere! Dude, let's do that again!

Jamie and Adam have entered the bar. Jamie is trying to help create the wormhole, but Adam is just trying to blow things up.

Adam: Hey Jamie, what if we added dynamite to this do-hickky here?

He slides a stick under the mugs, wires, and a teddy bear that made up the would-be wormhole device.

Jamie: Adam, I don't think that's such a good idea…

The device explodes. boom.

Genie: Gee, that was sort of anticlimactic.

Authoress: Yeah, you're right. How's this?

**BOOM!**

Genie: Much better.

Adam: That was so freakin' cool! Look, the bear's head blew off. And Jamie, you're beret is singed. Oh my gosh, my T-shirt's on fire. This is so awesome! And look the shrapnel from the mugs made me covered in blood. Does this make you nauseous? I look like a zombie!

Jamie hits Adam upside the head.

Adam: Ow.

Jamie: (losing his cool) Adam, you psycho! You could have killed us all!

Adam: Yeah, but it was cool! Hey, are you missing half your moustache?

Jamie frantically touches his moustache.

Jamie: WHAT?

Adam: (laughing) Ha ha! You should have seen your face.

Jamie goes to smack Adam again.

Sam: Guys, shh!

A crackle of energy has burst from the remains of the device. It grows until a wormhole appears. Everyone watches, enthralled.

Jamie: Adam, you fixed it.

Adam: What? I-I actually fixed something? I-I…wow. You know what this means?

Jamie: What?

Adam: I finally beat you at something! Yeah!

He jumps up in the air and starts doing a victory dance around the room.

Jack: Well, farewell.

Jack, Sam, and Daniel walk through the makeshift gate. Teal'c and Spock say their good-byes. They do the Vulcan hand thing.

Spock: Live long and prosper.

Teal'c: Peace and long life.

With that, he turns and walks through the gate. As soon as he's through the wormhole disappears.

During this time, Gaston and Lefou have been talking. Something about "No one says no to Gaston." But whatever. Okay, I'm done.

Lefou: Gaston, you've got to pull yourself together.

Gosh, it disturbs me to see you Gaston…

Authoress: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop a minute! (she cups her hands around her mouth) Attention! This is a warning. A spontaneous musical number is starting. Repeat. A spontaneous musical number is starting!

Kirk: Scottie, beam us up!

The rest of the random patrons run for the doors. Authoress catches Genie just as he was about to slip out the door.

Authoress: Oh, no. You're staying here.

Genie: Ah, man.

All the Entropic Characters are out of the tavern.

Authoress: Okay, carry on.

Lefou: Looking so down in the dumps  
Every guy here'd love to be you, Gaston  
(cheering from the gallery)  
Even when taking your lumps

There's no man in town as admired as you  
You're everyone's favorite guy  
Everyone's awed and inspired by you  
(Lefou turns chair back to forward)  
And it's not very hard to see why! (Bimbettes crowd around Gaston cooing.)

No one's slick as Gaston, no one's quick as Gaston. (Lefou pulls a man's belt off and his pants fall to the ground.) No one's neck as incredibly thick as Gaston. (Lefou jumps up and wraps the afore mentioned belt around Gaston's neck, who flexes and breaks it off.)

For there's no man in town half as manly. Perfect, a pure paragon! You can ask any Tom, Dick, or Stanley. And they'll tell you who's team they'd prefer to be on!  
Lefou continues to dance around. Tavernmates swing Lefou back and forth into the camera.

Lefou & Tavernmates: No one's been like Gaston, a king-pin like Gaston

Lefou: No one's got a swell cleft in his chin like Gaston

Lefou tickles Gaston's chin, who stands with pride

Gaston: As a specimen, yes, I'm intimidating!

Tavernmates: My, what a guy that Gaston!

Tavernmates: Give five hurrahs, give twelve hip-hips

Lefou: Gaston is the best and the rest is all drips!

Lefou swings up his arm in dance and throws a mug of beer in Gaston's face, who socks Lefou in the face

All: No one fights like Gaston, douses lights like Gaston

Wrestler: In a wrestling match, nobody bites like Gaston

Bimbettes: For there's no one as burly and brawny

Gaston: As you see I've got biceps to spare

Lefou: Not a bit of him scraggly or scrawny

Gaston: That's right! And every last bit of me's covered with hair! (wink!)

Authoress: OH GOD! OH GOD! BAD IMAGE! BAD IMAGE! Why would you do that?

Gaston: Uh…'cos it's true…

Authoress: I'm gonna go wash out my eyeballs. Just…carry on with the song…I guess…I don't really care.

She exits.

Genie: Don't leave me here with them!

The tavernmates, Gaston, and Lefou all look at each other and shrug before continuing with the song.

Tavernmates: No one hits like Gaston, matches wits like Gaston

Lefou: In a spitting match, nobody spits like Gaston!

Gaston: I'm especially good at expectorating! Ptooey!

All: Ten points for Gaston!

Gaston plays a chess game with a man, then hits the board, sending it and pieces all over. He takes a bite of leather from the belt once wrapped around his neck, chews it and spits it into a spittoon, which falls and gets stuck on the head of Lefou.

Gaston: When I was a lad I ate four dozen eggs Every morning to help me get large! And now that I'm grown, I eat five dozen eggs. So I'm roughly the size of a barge!

Gaston juggles a number of eggs, then swallows them whole. Lefou attempts the trick, and is hit in the face by the eggs. Haha.

All: No one shoots like Gaston, makes those beauts like Gaston

Lefou: Then goes tromping around wearing boots like Gaston

Gaston: I use antlers in all of my decorating!

Authoress poofs back in.

Authoress: Um, who cares?

Gaston takes three shots at a beer barrel, which begins leaking into the mugs of onlookers. He returns stomping to his chair, where we see the fireplace surrounded by the heads of the animals he has killed. The mystery cut of music is here! Cut to ending of "Gaston"

All: My what a guy! Gaston!

The Tavernmates have picked up the chair and carry Gaston around in it. Lefou tries to flee, but they toss the chair into its normal place, and Lefou is pinned underneath. Maurice bursts in frantically.

Maurice: Help! Help! He's got her locked up in a dungeon.

So now Maurice is going on about the Beast and the dudes don't believe him so they throw him out…yeah that's about it in a nutshell.

Some Random Dude: Crazy old Maurice, he's always good for a laugh.

Gaston: (Very pensive [ha! I said pensive! Everyone who's learning vocab from me gets a poptart! [::] Or a cookie! (::)]) Crazy old Maurice, hmm? Crazy old Maurice. Hmmm?  
Lefou, I'm afraid I've been thinking.

(Lefou is still under the chair.)

Lefou: A dangerous pastime—

Authoress: You've got that right…

Gaston:(finishing line) I know,  
But that wacky old coot is Belle's father  
And his sanity's only so-so  
Now the wheels in my head have been turning  
Since I looked at that loony old man  
See I promised myself I'd be married to  
Belle, And right now I'm evolving a plan!

(Gaston picks Lefou out from under the chair and holds his head close, and whispers)

Gaston: If I...(whisper)

Lefou: Yes?

Gaston: Then I...(whisper)

Lefou: No, would she?

Gaston: (whispering)...GUESS!

Lefou: Now I get it!

Both: Let's go!

(They begin a waltz around the floor as they sing)

Both: No one plots like Gaston, takes cheap shots like Gaston

Lefou: Plans to persecute harmless crackpots like Gaston

All: So his marriage we soon'll be celebrating! My what a guy, Gaston!

Authoress: Ya know that song always reminds me of the Camelot song.

KING ARTHUR: Camelot!

Knight1: Camelot!

Knight 2: Camelot!

Random Dude: 'S only a model.

King Arthur: Shh. Knights, to Camelot!

Ba-da-da-datdat-da!

Knights: We're knights of the round table  
We dance whenever we're able  
We do routines and chorus scenes  
With foot work impeccable  
We dine well here in Camelot  
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot

We're Knights of the Round Table.  
Our shows are formidable,  
But many times we're given rhymes  
That are quite unsingable.  
We're opera mad in Camelot.  
We sing from the diaphragm a lot.

In war we're tough and able,  
Quite indefatigable.  
Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable.  
It's a busy life in Camelot.

Bass Voice: I have to push the pram a lot.

Authoress: On second thought let's just go to the Beast's castle. Camelot is too silly.

_Back at Beast's Castle…_

There's a knock at Belle's door.

Belle: Who is it.

Voice: Uh, trick-or-treat.

Belle: It's not Halloween. Come on, who is this?

Voice: Telegram.

Belle: Uh uh.

Voice: Um…I think you're double-parked out here…

Belle: Nice try, but I don't own a car.

Voice: Oh, um…candygram.

Belle: Candygram! Okay!

She opens the door and is immediately devoured by the Land Shark. Genie and Authoress watch somewhat shocked.

Authoress: Wow. Good thing we used her stunt double.

Genie: Yeah, good thing.

Authoress: Okay Belle, you can come out now.

Belle comes out as Mrs. Potts comes through the door.

Mrs. Potts: Hello, dear, how about a nice spot of tea?

Belle is somewhat amazed to be talking to a hopping head, er, I mean, talking teapot.

Belle: This is impossible!

Mrs. Potts: Yeah, well I'm talkin' to you aren't I? You see my lips moving and sound coming out, right?

She would have snapped her fingers, but she doesn't have any.

Belle: I-I'm sorry.

Mrs. Potts: That's alright dear, sometimes I get a little carried away.

Wardrobe: A little?

Mrs. Potts: I heard that.

Wardrobe: Sorry.

Mrs. Potts: I should think so.

She hops away. Wardrobe shrugs and turns to Belle.

Wardrobe: Well, what should we dress you in for dinner?

She opens her doors to show numerous dresses.

Authoress: I would like to take the time to point a few things out. First off, what is the Prince doing with a wardrobe full of women's clothing? There's no mention of King and Queen or parents.

Genie: Maybe he wanted to be a lumberjack!

Authoress: Second, why has no one in the village or anywhere for that matter heard about the prince or wonder where he went? Third, if the spell is over at his twenty-first year and the objects have been "cursed" for ten years then the prince was eleven when he dissed the magical person. Even if he was living alone (what happened to his parents anyway?) what would he be doing answering the door. And in the stained glass windows he looked wicked older. Plus when he ripped his portrait in the prologue, it was what he looked like when he was 21. AND if he turned away that old lady/enchantress when he was only 11 his childhood must of caned, or he was born evil.

She breathes heavily. Genie pats her on the back.

Genie: (as Mrs. Doubtfire) Ah, you poor dear. You've over analyzed things again haven't you.

Authoress: Uh huh.

Genie: Have a cookie, dear.

Authoress: Thanks.

Join us sometime soon for the exciting next chapter of Beauty and the Beast: A Trainwreck Parody!


	8. Chapter 8

**CHAPTER 7**

Authoress: Welcome back to Random Radio, playing the weirdest of the weird. If you're just joining us, we're taking requests today, and this chapter goes out to Senor Bugsy. Stay random!

Alrighty then, Chapter number 7. The supposed "lucky" chapter, if you're into that sort of thing. Whatever. Okay I'm done prattling on. On with the show...uh, chapter, sorry. :-)

* * *

Belle looks through the dresses that the Wardrobe proudly presents.

Belle: Those are all very beautiful, but I'm not going to dinner.

Wardrobe: Not going? B-But no one just not goes.

Belle: I'm sure there was someone.

Wardrobe: Well, there was the one...oh, no wait sorry that was in a movie. Um, there was the one guy...hang on, no sorry I'm wrong. What about that...

Cogsworth enters.

Cogsworth: Ahem, ahem, ahem, *coughs* *hacks*

Belle stares at him with raised eyebrows. Cogsworth is doubled over wheezing.

Belle: Um, are you okay?

Cogsworth: Yes, of course. Sometimes the dust gets to me. Anyway, dinner is served.

Authoress: Another dustball, Cogsy?

Cogsworth: Hey, I don't say anything about your disabilities, and don't call me Cogsy!

Authoress: Touchy.

CUT TO:

The Beast is pacing in front of the fireplace. Mrs. Potts and Lumiere look on mostly hoping that a spark from the fire doesn't land on the Beast. No, seriously. Do you have any idea what singed beast smells like? It's almost as bad as wet beast. *shudders*

Beast: Dude, like why isn't she here yet? Seriously! Dude, I was totally like: You're gonna come to dinner.

He begins to air guitar.

Authoress: When did John DiMaggio inhabit your body?

Lumiere: It will be simple: she will fall in love with you, you will fall in love with her, then you'll kick it up a notch and BAM! The spell will be broken.

Authoress: I'm sorry, am I missing something? Is there a reason that celebrities are possessing you?

Beast: But dude, she's like, such a babe, seriously. And me, well dude, just look at me, I'm totally disgusting. Maybe I should get a haircut. Like a mullet or something. All business in the front party in the back.

He air guitars again.

Authoress: Hoo Boy.

Mrs. Potts: Now, master, you can make her see past all that. Act like a gentleman.

Beast stops in mid air guitar.

Beast: A what?

Lumiere and Mrs. Potts tell him several ways to impress the potential spell-breaker. But the most important one is that...

LUIMERE: You must control your temper! You can't be all like, Bam! Sometimes you don't have to kick it up a notch.

Cogsworth enters.

Beast: Um, so where is she?

Cogsworth stutters for a few moments. (But no one really cares about what he's saying)

Cogsworth: Well, she's kinda sorta possibly…not coming.

CUT TO:

EXT. of den with door slightly ajar. (then I guess it's not a door any more, is it?)

Beast(O.S.): Say what?

He bursts through the door with the objects following closely behind him. Cogsworth is babbling something, but, no offense to him, no one really cares.

CUT TO: The Beast at Belle's door. He knocks. Well, actually he practically breaks down the door, but anyways. (BTW Beast is a _little_ ticked. Just FYI.)

Beast: I thought I told you to chow with me! Seriously!

Authoress: Okay enough with the seriously already.

Beast: Seriously?

Authoress: Yes, seriously.

Sirius: Did someone call?

Authoress: No, sweetie. Get back to your own fandom.

Sirius: Aww… (trudges – that's the vocab word for the day kiddies! Trudges! Try to use it in a sentence! – away)

Beast: Fine, whatever.

Belle: I'm not hungry!

Beast: I really don't care! Get out here.

Belle: No!

Beast: I'm gonna break down the door!

Cogsworth: Master, please, try to be a gentleman.

Beast: But she's being all difficult and stuff!

Mrs. Potts: Gently, gently.

Beast: (all dejected-like) Will you come down to dinner?

Cogsworth: Ahem, we say please.

Beast: (even more dejected-like) Please.

Belle: Um, I believe I said no.

Lumiere: Be suave. Genteel. Then, BAM! Go in for the kill.

Beast: The kill?

Lumiere: Uh, metaphorically speaking.

Beast rolls his eyes and holds in his rage. He fists his cloak and bows at the door.

Beast: It would give me uh…

Lumiere: (whispering) Great honour.

Beast: …great honour if you would join me for dinner.

Belle: I will…

Beast perks up.

Belle: …when hell freezes over!

Beast: (wicked ticked this time) Fine then you can STARVE for all I care! (to the servants) If she doesn't eat with me, she doesn't eat at all.

He runs down the hall on all fours and slams a door. This causes a piece of ceiling to fall on…Lefou's head! Ha! Didn't see that coming now, did you?

Lefou: Ow! Why is it always me?

Gaston: Shh! The gypsy said I should look for a sign.

He begins to eat something out of a bowl.

Gaston: Lefou, look! There There's a message in my Alpha-bits! It says Oooo.

Lefou: Uh, Gaston those are Cheerios.

Gaston looks at his spoon with a weird, stupid look on his face. He looks as if he's gonna hit Lefou. Lefou backs away slowly. Back to the real story.

Gaston: But we are the real story!

Authoress: Um, not really. No one cares if you can't tell Alpha-bits from Cheerios.

Gaston: That's nothing. Last week I tried to put together a puzzle. It was supposed to be a tiger, I think, but the pieces wouldn't go together.

Authoress: The puzzle pieces wouldn't have been edible and sugary, were they?

Gaston: Actually they were.

Authoress smacks her forehead.

Authoress: Those were Frosted Flakes, you twit!

Gaston: Ohh.

Authoress: Why do I even bother?

Gaston: Because you love me. Admit it. You think that I'm too sexy for…

Authoress: No! Don't even finish that sentence.

Gaston: But…

Authoress: No. You are never to repeat that song anywhere in this fic. Comprende?

Gaston: (kinda dejected) Okay. I'll just go and finish my Alpha-bits then.

Authoress: Um, you're still eating Cheerios.

Gaston: Cheerios?

He picks up his spoon that is indeed filled with Cheerios.

Gaston: Oh, right. Wait a minute…

He looks back at his spoon, which is now filled with Fruit Loops.

Gaston: The Cheerios are gone.

Authoress: Huh.

She has a knowing smirk on her face.

Gaston: Yeah, now they're…woah!

Authoress: What happened?

Gaston: Now they're Cocoa Puffs, no wait! Now their Kix. Hold up, now they're Cheerios again! Why cruel world? Why?

Gaston curls up in the fetal position on the floor and he looks around nervously. Lefou just carries on with his work, whatever that is (but I'm pretty sure it's to be Gaston's personal cheerleader, I mean what else would he do? He's not really proficient at anything else. But don't tell him I said that.), like this is a normal event that happens every day.

Gaston: What's going on?

Authoress: Genie, I didn't know you were a master of prestidigitation. (How's that for a vocab word? Anyone who knows what that means without looking it up gets a special prize!)

Genie: There are many things about me that you don't know.

Gaston: What's going…never mind. I'm just gonna sit here like this until my next scene.

Authoress: You do that. And now…

The scene changes.

Authoress: Hey you're not supposed to cut until I say to.

Camera cuts back to the Authoress.

Authoress: Right! Wait for it. Director, cut!

The scene cuts back to the castle. Okay Lumiere is standing guard and Cogsworth and Mrs. Potts have gone to clean up the kitchen or whatever.

Meanwhile the Beast is all freaking out in his room about Belle. So he's trashing his room and what-not. And ZOMFG there's this really shiny mirror that he picks up.

Beast: (to the mirror) Show me the girl.

The mirror gets all glow-y and crackle-y and just looks cool and I wanna poke it 'cos it's shiny. An image of Belle talking to the Wardrobe (cos you can't talk to yourself cos that would just be really weird) appears in the mirror.

Wardrobe: Well, if you just got to know the guy…

Belle: I don't wanna get to know him. I don't want to have anything to do with him!

Wardrobe: Well that's just too bad. You promised to stay here. You're gonna have to interact with him.

Belle: Not necessarily.

Wardrobe: Um, yes necessarily. What are you gonna do stay locked up here forever?

Belle: Maybe.

Wardrobe: That's nice and all, but how are you gonna get food?

Belle thinks for a moment.

Belle: The Authoress (dramatic chord) can get it for me.

Authoress: What? No way. I'm neutral like Switzerland.

Belle: Shoot. What about you, Genie?

She does the Puppy Dog Pout.

Genie: Well, I…I, uh…

He looks nervously at Authoress, whose standing with her arms crossed and looking expectantly at him. He looks back at Belle who still is Puppy Dog Pouting.

Genie: I could never resist the Puppy Dog Pout. Okay!

He morphs into a matire de.

Genie: Will you be having the chicken or the sea bass?

Authoress: Genie! We're not supposed to interfere.

Genie: So what do you call what we've been doing for the last seven chapters?

Authoress looks sheepish.

Authoress: Um, commentating?

Genie raises an eyebrow at her like Teal'c does.

Authoress: Oh alright. We're not supposed to interfere _that_ much.

Genie: Okay, I'm sorry Belle, but I can't and no amount of Puppy Dog Pouting will change that.

Belle: Darn. Well, I still don't want to have anything to do with him.

The Beast's ears kinda fall. He lets out a low mournful Chewie sounding whimper. He looks all depressed and in need of a hug. Poor guy.

Beast: That's it.

A petal falls from the magical, sparkly, rose with a sad song playing in the background. Beast hangs his head and sets down the mirror.

Beast: It's hopeless.

FADE TO:

Hours pass.

Tick-tock-tick-tock.

Authoress: Genie, there's no need to be sarcastic.

Genie turns from a clock back into his original form.

Now Lumiere and the Featherduster are…uh…canoodling (once again I hope that I've expanded your vocabulary) behind a curtain to the sounds of Barry White.

Barry: Let's get it on.

Lumiere: See, I thought of everything…romantic music…a private room…candlelight…

Babette, yeah, that's the Featherduster's name. Don't believe me? Go look it up. Go ahead. I'll wait.

Oh, you're back. Was I right? Uh, yeah, of course I was. I'm the dang Authoress. Thanks for holding up the story there buddy. Yeah, chief, I'm talkin' to you. Can I start again? Thanks pal.

Anyway, Babette isn't entirely convinced.

Babette: I don't think so. I've been burned by you before. Literally. Singed feathers are not a good look.

Lumiere: Come now, ma Cherie…

He grabs her and she giggles, and major canoodling starts again, but…

Belle comes out of her room quietly and walks down the hall. Lumiere notices, drops Babette and runs, well he doesn't actually have legs so it's more like he hops after her.

Cogsworth and Mrs. Potts are talking about Belle and all that. Oh, and the Stove and Chip are there too. The Stove's no too happy. He keeps ranting about how he's overworked and yadda, yadda, yadda.

Mrs. Potts: If he keeps acting like that, he'll never break the…

Belle comes in and Cogsworth cuts off Mrs. Potts before she can say "spell". He comes over to Belle and introduces himself all formally, but he is interrupted by Lumiere and his French intro…

Lumiere: Whatever you need I can get you.

Belle: Well, I am a little hungry.

Mrs. Potts: You hear that, she's hungry! Good thing we just finished cleaning up. Jeez! Could you have picked a worse time to come down. Haha! Just kidding. Let's get cooking!

Magical silverware jumps out of the cabinets and the Stove gets cooking, literally. Now this is where the logic goes out the window. There isn't one person for each piece of silverware or broom or whatever. So don't let it confuse you. Anyway…

Cogsworth: But don't you remember what the master said?

Mrs. Potts: Don't be such a stick in the mud. I'm not about to let the poor girl starve.

Cogsworth: Okay, but don't make a lot of noise. If the master finds out, it will be our heads.

Authoress: Do y'all even have heads? I mean, you're objects now. I guess Mrs. Potts is sort of a hopping head, but I don't really think that counts. By the way, where is Mr. Potts? Did he get turned into a coffee carafe or something? 'Cos I could really go for some coffee right now…

The Objects just stare at her.

Genie: I don't think you need any more coffee.

Authoress: But I like the coffee…

Lumiere: Yeah, whatever. But what is dinner without a little spontaneous musical number.

Lumiere walks out the swinging door, which swings back and hits Cogsworth. He flies backward.

Cogsworth: Spontaneous musical number?

He lands in a plate of wiggly green probably lemon-lime flavoured Jell-O. Jell-O is yummy. Especially when it's chocolate pudding. Or when you put them in those egg molds and then you flick them at people, yeah, I don't care who you are, that's funny right there. Actually, gelatin is more fun to say than Jell-O, or is it? Huh. Alrighty then, that's the end of the seventh chapter. Spontaneous musical number to follow. And, I don't own Jell-O, except what's in my cabinet right now. Sorry it was short. Longer chapter to follow. My sugar rush has worn off, so I bid you all Adieu!


	9. Chapter 9

I know, I know...it's been what? Six months? Well, you know what they say...absence makes the heart grow fonder... *dodges fruit and veggie projectiles*

Well, I'm going to try harder to update regularly. And if I fail, you have my permission to slap me with a trout. But look! I now give you 12 pages of randomness, so you have to love me! Enjoy! ^_^

* * *

**CHAPTER 8**

Lumiere is standing in the centre of the shiny dining room table with a spotlight shining down on him. Belle is seated in front of him, looking on with a bit of apprehension.

Lumiere: My cher mademoiselle, it is with deep pride and great honour that I present to you…your dinner. Be…our…guest… be our guest  
Put our service to the test,  
tie your napkin 'round your neck, cherie  
and we provide the rest!

The Chair has wrapped a napkin around the neck of Belle, who takes it off and places it on her lap. The Chair's arms put it's hands on it's 'waist' as if it were pissed. Oh snap. Stop the musical number.

Chair: What? I can't help you out? You'll sit on me, but you're too good for me to help you with your napkin?

Belle: I'm sorry?

Chair: Humph. You better be.

Okay, continue with the musical number. The Chair's just gonna need Anger Management. It's all good.

Lumiere: Soup du jour, hot hors d'oeuvres  
Why we only live to serve  
Try the grey stuff, it's delicious  
Don't believe me? Ask the dishes!

Lumiere offers Belle a plate of hors d'oeuvres. She dips her finger in one, and tastes it.

They can sing, they can dance  
After all, miss, this is France!  
And a dinner here is never second best!  
Go on unfold your menu,  
take a glance and then you'll  
Be our guest, be our guest, be our guest!

A cabinet at the end of the table opens to reveal a large China collection, which rolls out…

(China collection, ROLL OUT! Haha…see what I did there? It's like Autobots, roll out! Like in Transformers? Anyone? No one? Really…oh, okay then…)

and begins to perform as best they can without apendages. Lumiere hands Belle a menu, which she begins to read.

Beef ragout, cheese souffle,  
Pie and pudding en flambé!  
We'll prepare and serve with flair  
A culinary cabaret!

Plates of food go dancing by, with Cogsworth in the pudding. Mmm…pudding… Lumiere sets his torch to it, and it explodes, turning Cogsworth's face black with soot.

You're alone and you're scared,  
But the banquet's all prepared!  
No one's gloomy or complaining,  
While the flatware's entertaining!

The Flatware enters a 'Busby Berlkley-esque' swimming scene.

We tell jokes, I do tricks  
With my fellow candlesticks

Lumiere, standing on a plate, is elevated and begins to juggle his candles. Mugs enter the shot. Actually…I think they're less like mugs and more like steins. Yeah, we'll go with steins.

Steins: Und it's all in perfect taste  
That you can bet!

The Steins begin a gymnastics routine, hopping over one another and passing a beverage (Disney doesn't want us to know, but it's beer. Come on people they're mugs with a slight German accent, what did you expect?) from one to the next. Plus, you've got to be wicked sloshed when the beer mugs start singing to you…

All: Come on and lift your glass,  
You've won your own free pass  
To be our guest, be our guest,  
be our guest!

Lumiere: If you're stressed, it's fine dining we suggest!

All: Be our guest, be our guest, be our guest!

Cogsworth runs down the row of Mugs shooshing them. All leave except Cogsworth, who looks scared, then begins to inch away. Lumiere enters and holds him there. Cue Oscar worthy emotional breakdown scene!

Lumiere: It's just…so hard. I can't take all of this anymore! I'm a servant! I live to serve!

Cogsworth: There, there, old fellow. I'm sure you'll find something else to do.

Lumiere grips Cogsworth's shoulders.

Lumiere: I don't know anything else! This is all I've ever known! And it's all being ripped away right before my eyes! Don't you remember when we were useful? Now look at us. Rusted. Outdated. There is nothing left for us here.

The clip ends fading into the Oscar stage where Genie and the Authoress stand in swanky clothes. The Authoress holds an envelope.

Authoress: And the award for best overly-dramatic scene by a cartoon character goes to…Lumiere! For his scene in Beauty and the Beast: A Trainwreck Parody!

Lumiere jumps out of his seat, hopping up to the stage as fast as he possibly can and takes his statue, kissing the Authoress on both cheeks. Tears are beginning to form in his eyes.

Lumiere: I-I cannot thank you all enough. I want to thank the Academy. My scene partner Cogsworth. I couldn't have done this without you. The entire ensemble. The Authoress, without her, none of this would have been possible. The prince. Thanks for getting us turned into magical household objects. If that hadn't happened I wouldn't be standing here today. Thanks to my parents for believing that I could do anything, even though I'm just a candlestick. And to my love. My other half. Babette. Thank you for everything, _cheri_. You are my everything.

Lumiere wipes away a tear and hops off stage.

Authoress: And now, back to the musical number! I believe that it's time for tea!

Cut to kitchen, where Mrs. Potts is surrounded by soap bubbles.

Authoress: Ooh! Bubbles!

She begins to frolic around, popping bubbles and giggling like an idiot. The others stare at her, like she's nuts. Well, I mean, she is…so I suppose they're staring at her correctly. Authoress notices the stares.

Authoress: Heh, heh. Sorry. Personal moment. Do continue.

Mrs. Potts shrugs, which is quite a feat, seeing as she' s only a hopping head, and continues the song.

Mrs. Potts: It's a guest, it's a guest!  
Sakes alive, well I'll be blessed!  
Wine's been poured and thank the Lord  
I've had the napkins freshly pressed!

Mrs. Potts continues to dance/hop around the kitchen.

With dessert, she'll want tea,  
And my dear, that's fine with me!  
While the cups do their soft shoeing,  
I'll be bubbling, I'll be brewing!

I'll get warm, piping hot  
Heaven's sake, is that a spot?  
Clean it up, we want the company impressed!  
We've got a lot to do-Is it one lump or two?  
For you our guest!

Mrs. Potts is cleaned off by a napkin. She hops onto the tea cart and rolls into the dining room, where she offers tea to Belle.

All: She's our guest!

Mrs. Potts: She's our guest!

All: She's our guest!

Authoress: Wait, wait…hold on. I'm a little confused…Is she our guest? I'm not really sure what with all y'all saying it twenty times.

The objects all look at her blankly.

Crickee: *chirp chirp*

Authoress: Well, I thought it was funny. Hmmph. Fine. Carry on.

The objects continue to musical number as if nothing happened. Yeah, that's right. I just made musical number a verb. You got a problem with that? Well? Do ya punk? Yeah, I thought not.

All: Be our guest! Be our guest!  
Our command is your request!  
It's ten years since we had anybody here  
And we're obsessed!  
With your meal, with your ease,  
Yes indeed, we aim to please  
While the candlelight's still glowing  
Let us help you, we'll keep going-

The China and Candlesticks perform an elaborately choreographed dance sequence, ending in a close up of Lumiere, who brings this sucker home.

All (esp. Lumiere): Course, by course  
One by one  
'Til you shout "Enough, I'm done!"  
Then we'll sing you off to sleep as you digest.  
Tonight you'll prop your feet up,  
But for let's eat up  
Be our guest! Be our guest!  
Be our guest! Please Be our guest!

A fantastic ending comes of the song, with Silverware flying through the air, Plates and Fearterdusters dancing, and Cogsworth the focus of attention, until Lumiere comes sliding in and sends him flying out of camera range.

Jeez…this all sounds quite dangerous. I mean, silverware whizzing through the air? What if one of them breaks or something? Does that mean that servant dies? Or do they go to limbo? Haha…I said whiz…

Belle: That was sooo kewl! Do it again!

Lumiere: (out of breath) Again? That was our first time doing a huge musical production in years and you expect us to do it again? Are you crazy? Do you know how long it would take to reset that?

Belle: I'm sorry.

Cogsworth: Yes, well, I'm sure we are all tired out from this long day. Off to bed. Off to bed.

Belle: Oh, but I'm much too excited to sleep. It's my first time in an enchanted castle.

Cogsworth: I'm sorry, did I hear you correctly? Enchanted castle? Now who told you that? (to Lumiere) It was you wasn't it?

Lumiere: No! Certainly not!

Cogsworth: Was too!

Lumiere: Was not!

The exchange gets faster.

Cogsworth: Was too!

Lumiere: Was not!

Cogsworth: Was too!

Lumiere: Was not!

Cogsworth: Was too!

Lumiere: Was not!

Authoress: Okay enough!

Belle: I actually figured it out for myself.

Both objects look at her sheepishly.

Belle: If it's cool I'd like to go poking, I mean, looking around.

Cogsworth: Uh, hellz no.

Belle: Oh, please? You could be my guide. You must know everything there is to know about this place.

She gives him the Puppy Dog Pout.

Cogsworth: (obviously flattered) Well, I do know quite a bit.

Fade to Cogsworth, Lumiere, and Belle walking down a hall with Footstool. Cogsworth is lecturing.

Cogsworth: As you can see, the pseudo facade was stripped away to reveal a minimalist rococo design. Note the unusual inverted vaulted ceilings. This is yet another example of the neo-classic baroque period, and as I always say, if it's not baroque, don't fix it! Ha ha ha. Now then, where was I? (He turns to find the heads of the Suits of Armor have turned to check out Belle. Yeah boys, check out that fly ass. Woah, that was weird…where'd that come from?) As you were! (They all snap back to face forward.) Now, if I may draw your attention to the flying buttresses above the-mademoiselle?

Ha ha. He said buttresses. ;) Belle has been making her way up a grand staircase. The objects run to stop her.

Belle: Oooo…what's up here?

Cogsworth: Um, nothing except the West Wing.

Belle: The West Wing?

Lumiere: Nice going.

Belle: I wonder what he's hiding up there.

Cogsworth: Government offices.

They all look at him. He coughs.

Cogsworth: Um, I mean, hiding? The master is hiding nothing.

Belle: But if he wasn't hiding anything then it wouldn't be forbidden.

Lumiere: Perhaps you would like to see the…um…gardens.

Cogsworth: Or the bowling alley, or the…the torture chamber.

Lumiere: What about the cemetery, the board room, or the holodeck.

Cogsworth: The gym…

Belle: The gym! Are you trying to say something?

Cogsworth: Of course not, I was just listing rooms. There's also the uh, zoo…

Lumiere sees they are losing her interest and frantically searches for another room to entice her.

Lumiere: The…the library!

Belle: (all interested like) The library!

Lumiere: There are hundreds of books.

Cogsworth: Scads of books.

Lumiere: Mountains!

Cogsworth: Piles!

Lumiere: Oceans!

Cogsworth: Forests!

Lumiere: Swamps!

Cogsworth: Plateaus!

Lumiere: Bays!

Cogsworth: Lakes!

Lumiere: Canyons!

Cogsworth: Mesas!

Lumiere: Hills!

Cogsworth: Waterfalls!

Lumiere: Plains!

Cogsworth: Deserts!

Lumiere: Oasis!

Cogsworth: Jungles!

Lumiere: Waves!

Cogsworth: Beaches!

Lumiere: Cliffs…

Authoress & Genie: Enough!

Lumiere: …of books.

Belle: Awesome! Let's go!

The objects kinda skip down the hall followed by the Footstool dog, thing (does it even have a name besides Footstool? Whatever it's adorable anyways.) Belle starts to follow but is over come by curiosity. She walks up the stairs and goes down a destroyed dark hallway, while spooky, eerie, mysterious, strange, and otherwise haunting music. She comes to heavy doors with gargoyles peering down at her. She pushes open the door and enters The Beast's Lair.

The room is dark and probably smelly. Think about it the is the main place where he's a beast, so there's probably animal carcasses and well, we'll leave the rest to your imagination. Belle is exploring the room and trying not to breathe in too deeply. While doing this she almost knocks over a table, but she catches it before it falls. Genie and Authoress have followed her in, but she doesn't notice because she's too busy looking at this shredded picture of a wicked hot, er, I mean this human dude which is actually the prince, but when the spell was put on him he would have been about ten, not as old as he looks in the picture. Jeez! Anyway. Authoress and Genie are doing their own exploration. They come across an intriguing do-hickey. And guess what. The Ghost of the Machine That Goes Ping shows up! I'd like a collective cheer from the audience now.

The Ghost of the Machine That Goes Ping: Ping!

Authoress: Hey, TGOTMTGP! You're back!

The Ghost of the Machine That Goes Ping: Ping.

Genie: Hey, look what I found!

Authoress: What?

Genie brushes off the dust and debris from the thingy. The label says: The Random Fact Generator.

Authoress: I wonder if it works.

Genie: Let's see.

He pushes the red button next to the label: PUSH FOR RANDOM FACT.

Random Fact Generator: The Authoress is the greatest.

Authoress: It speaks the truth!

The Ghost of the Machine That Goes Ping: (agreeably) Ping!

Genie: Wait a minute. That was an opinion.

Authoress glares at Genie.

Authoress: Fine. Then lets try again.

She pushes the button. The Machine whirs for a moment.

Random Fact Generator: Over 2500 left handed people are killed each year from using products made for right-handed people.

Genie: Kinda morbid, dontcha think?

Authoress: But interesting, let's do it again.

She presses the button again.

Random Fact Generator: A head can see for thirty seconds after it's severed from it's body.

Authoress: Huh. Who knew?

Genie: Still morbid though.

He pushes the button.

Random Fact Generator: The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one has memorized them all.

Authoress: Cool. Share your wisdom with us, O wise Random Fact Generator.

The Ghost of the Machine That Goes Ping: (reverently) Ping!

The button is pushed again.

Random Fact Generator: Maine is the only state whose name is one syllable.

Genie: Again!

They're like kids in a candy store. And the button is pushed again.

Random Fact Generator: Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.

And again.

Random Fact Generator: If you keep a goldfish in a darkroom, then it will eventually turn white.

And again.

Random Fact Generator: There are more chickens then people in the world.

And again.

Random Fact Generator: Los Angeles's full name is El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula and can be abbreviated to 3.36% of its size: L.A.

And again.

Random Fact Generator: Polar bears are left handed.

And again.

Random Fact Generator: American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by elimination one olive from each salad served in first-class.

And again.

Random Fact Generator: You share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world.

And again.

Random Fact Generator: In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

The Beast roars.

Authoress: Oops! We missed the story. Rewind!

Okay, sorry. I hope you learned something new. So, Belle's hair falls in her face, again.

Belle: (attacking hair) Stupid hair!

She goes back to her super serial curious manner.

Belle: Ooo. What's that shiny thing underneath the glass that just screams, "You are forbidden to touch me"?

Okay semi-serious. Belle removes the glass and reaches out to the rose.

Beast jumps in all angry like. He covers the rose quickly and puts his arms around the glass in a protective gesture. Belle backs up a bit.

Beast: Why did you come here?

Belle: (like a valley-girl or Paris Hilton, which ever works for you) Cos like I like wanted to.

Beast: I told you not to come here.

Belle: (chomping on gum) Like so what? It's not like I totally did any harm.

Beast: Do you realize what you could have done?

He knocks around the furniture.

Belle: God, you have some major like anger management problems.

Beast: Get out!

Belle: You look like a rabbit.

Beast: (gets even more tweaked) GET OUT!

Belle: Fine. Like whatever.

She stalks from the room. She reaches the stairway and grabs her cloak.

Belle: Promise or no promise I'm leaving.

Lumiere: But mademoiselle!

The Beast is in despair after he calms down. Then music swells.

Beast: And in my twisted face

There's not the slightest trace

Of anything that even hints of kindness

And from my tortured shape

No comfort, no escape…

Authoress: Woah, woah, woah. Hold your horses, Mr. Horsey-holder.

Beast: But it's time for my song.

Authoress: Uh, no it's not. That's in the Broadway musical. We're doing the movie version, so NO SONG FOR YOU!

Beast pouts.

MEANWHILE:

Cut to Belle outside in the forest on Phillipe. She begins to ride through the forest, but Phillipe comes to a stop. She looks up and sees the Wolves. She gasps, then pulls the reins and begins to flee. She runs from side to side, making the Wolves hit the trees (very much like the Speederbike chase in Return of the Jedi except the Wolves aren't blowing up. But that would be totally sweet…exploding wolves. Actually, it sounds like a band name. Exploding Wolves. Yeah, I'd listen to them). Phillipe runs out on a frozen pond, but his and Belle's weight collapse the ice. The Wolves chase her into the water. Some begin to drown, but Phillipe is able to get out of the water before anything serious happens like…ya know…hypothermia. He runs into a clearing, but becomes surrounded by Wolves. He bucks, throwing Belle off and wrapping the reins around a tree branch.

Oh noes! What's gonna happen! How will they ever get out of this alive?

Authoress: You know, she doesn't get eaten by wolves.

Genie: What?

Authoress: I'm just telling you, because you look worried.

Genie: I'm not worried…I'm just…concerned.

Authoress: Oh, okay. 'Cos we can stop if you want.

Genie: No, you can keep playing it…if you want.

Authoress: Alrighty then. Where were we? "The Wolves chase her into the water…"

Genie: You read that part already.

Authoress: Oh, jeez, sorry. Back to where we really were.

The Wolves begin their attack on Phillipe, but Belle comes to his rescue and beats them away with a shillelagh (more vocab! YAY!) . One Wolf grabs the shillelagh in its mouth and breaks half of it off, leaving Belle defenseless. Another leaps at her, grabbing the corner of her cloak and dragging her to the ground. She looks up and sees a Wolf about to jump on top of her. It leaps and is caught in mid-air by Batman!

No. Totally kidding. He's DC. Disney only owns Marvel. So if it was anyone it would be Wolverine. Or Punisher. Or Iron Man. Or Daredevil. Or The Incredible Hulk. Or Iron Fist. Or Spiderman. Or Thor. Or Blade. Or The Thing. Or Captain America. Or Deadpool. Or Luke Cage. Or Gambit. Or Nightcrawler. Or Venom. Or Ghost Rider. Or Doctor Strange. Or Mr. Fantastic. Or Professor X. Or Black Panther. Or Ant-man. Or the Sub-Mariner. Or The Human Torch. Or Nick Fury.

But no, it is none of these heroes! Behold! It is none other than Beast!

He throws the Wolf away, then stands behind them and Belle. They lunge at each other. One rips a hole in Beast's shoulder, and the others focus their attack on that spot. Finally, Beast throws a Wolf against a tree, knocking it out. The others turn and run in fear, 'cos they don't wanna get curb-stomped by Beast. Beast turns back to Belle, looks at her despairingly, then collapses. Belle, grateful to be alive, turns back to Phillipe and begins to get on, but her conscience takes over, and she walks over to the fallen Beast. Fade to Belle and Phillipe walking back to the castle, with Beast on the horse's back.

Fade to int. of den, with Belle pouring hot water out of Mrs. Potts. She soaks a rag in the water, then turns to Beast, who is licking his wounds. Literally.

Okay that was a lot of action, but take a moment to digest it. Okay moment's over. Moving on.

Belle: Okay don't do that. First of all, it's disgusting. Second. it's not very hygienic.

She attempts to clean his wounds with a rag, but he's all "I'm so manly, I don't need any help". Then he growls a little.

Belle: Just hold still.

She touches the rag to his wound. He roars and the objects cower in fear.

Beast: (all yelling in her face) That freaking hurts!

Belle: (In counterpoint) If you'd hold still, it wouldn't hurt as much.

Beast: Well if you hadn't run away, this wouldn't have happened!

Belle: Well if you hadn't frightened me, I wouldn't have run away!

Beast: (Opens his mouth to respond, but has to stop and think of a good line) Well you shouldn't have been in the West Wing!

Belle: Well you should learn to control your temper!

Beast: Your mom should learn to control her temper!

Belle: I don't have a mom…it's like a Disney law or something…

Beast: Oh. Well then, your face should learn to control its temper!

Belle raises an eyebrow, 'cos she thinks it doesn't make any sense, but it so totally does. Major burn there. She shrugs while the Beast looks smug. Hey look! Rhyming! Yeah, I can bust a mad rhyme and some dope beats with my homies…okay, I promise not to ever do that again…in this chapter.

Belle: Now, hold still. This may hurt like hell.

Beast gives a surprised grunt, then grits his teeth as the rag is applied. Belle speaks tender like.

Belle: By the way, thank you, for not letting those wolves rip me to shreds.

Beast opens his eyes, looking surprised.

Beast: (Also tender like) No biggie.

* * *

We've reached the end of another exciting chapter! Next up a tribute to film noir. Okay my caffeine buzz is over, I'm going to bed. Good night and good luck.


	10. Chapter 10

Hello, loves! And now the moment you have all been waiting for, or not depending on how excited you were to read this film noir/Dashiell Hammett tribute. I know I am so excited to write this, so you better like it. 'Kay now, I'm going to set the scene so we can get on will this.

* * *

The colour changes, becoming slightly grainy and desaturated. Mysterious 40s music begins to play. Our set for this scene is the town square. A shadow emerges from an alley.

Noir-Authoress: (V.O.) It was late one winter night. The snow wouldn't cease falling and the wind was harsh.

A figure follows the shadow out of the alley and into the snow. The figure is wrapped up in a loose overcoat and a dark grey fedora covers its face. The Camera zooms in to the shadowed face. As the figure walks into the square, it looks up and we see the Noir-Authoress with a lit cigarette (it's not real, it's one of those trick cigarettes, so no worries. Cancer sticks are bad kids!) hanging from her lips. She looks across the street to see a figure exiting a carriage and entering the tavern.

Noir-Authoress: (V.O.) Yeah, that's me. The name's Authoress (dramatic chord). No last name, just Authoress. I got a job from one of the top dogs in the story. The pay wasn't great, but a job was a job. I was to investigate what could have been shady goings on in the town tavern. And this figure was my first lead.

The Noir-Authoress flicks her cigarette into a snow bank and makes her way across the square and into the tavern. Due to the late hour, the tavern is empty and the lamps are set low. Sasha is behind the bar wiping glasses.

Noir-Authoress: (V.O.) Sasha was a good friend of mine. If anything was going on, that Russian would know.

Noir-Authoress removes her overcoat to show that she's wearing a green striped shirt with a soft white collar, a green necktie, brown shoes, and a dark grey suit. The fedora still partially covers her face. She nods at Sasha and he acknowledges her with a wave of his bar rag. He throws down the towel and reaches for a glass. Noir-Authoress comes over to the bar and glances to a closed of lit corner. She nods her head toward the corner.

Noir-Authoress: Who's in there?

Sasha gives her the drink and looks nervously around.

Sasha: (nervously) I don't know.

Noir-Authoress: Don't give me that. What are you hiding?

Sasha looks around quickly and leans in close.

Sasha: (quietly) One of them came in just a few minutes ago. Gaston had called for him to come.

Noir-Authoress: (looking over at the corner) So Gaston and a stranger, huh?

Sasha: That's all I know.

Noir-Authoress: The other one ever been here before?

Sasha: No. I have never seen him.

Noir-Authoress: (downs drink) Alright, thanks Sasha. You're a doll.

She quietly makes her way over to the closed off corner. She sits at a table close to them so she can here every thing they say.

Since this is film noir and takes place in the 30s/40s guess what. That's right. Gaston is wearing a suit. If you've got a mental image, it might look a little weird. He's wearing a dark brown pinstripe suit, a yellow shirt, and a red necktie. Lefou is sitting beside him guzzling a beer and looking a little like Joel Cairo. The third man in this trio is Monsieur D'Arque, as voiced by Tony Jay, who is now dead. All mourn. Anyways…

Non-Film Noir Authoress: TONY JAY!

She glomps Monsieur D'Arque, knocking him out of his chair.

Non-Film Noir Authoress: Ok, carry on.

So D'Arque and Gaston are talking about an evil scheme. Our private eye is listening intently.

D'Arque: I don't usually leave the asylum in the middle of the night, so you'd better make this worth my while.

Gaston pulls out a pile of greenbacks hands them to D'Arque.

Gaston: Is seven Gs enough?

D'Arque flips through the bills.

D'Arque: You have my undivided attention.

Gaston: Alright. I've got my heart set on marrying Belle, but she needs a little…persuasion…

Lefou: Turned him down flat.

Gaston smacks Lefou. For those of you counting at home, I have no clue what number we're up to now. Sorry. Just take the shot and move on.

Gaston: Everyone knows her fathers got a screw loose. Even tonight, he was in here raving about some beast in a castle. (chuckles)

D'Arque: Maurice is harmless.

Gaston: Yeah, but Belle would do anything to keep her father from being thrown in the nut house.

Lefou: Even marry him.

Gaston: How would you like some cement overshoes?

Lefou mimics zipping his lips.

D'Arque: Let me get this straight. You want me to lock up Maurice in order to get Belle to marry you?

Gaston: Exactly.

D'Arque: That's despicable. I love it!

Gaston: So you'll do it?

D'Arque: Of course, but it will cost you a little extra…

Gaston: An extra three Gs when the job is done.

D'Arque: The Asylum thanks you for your contribution.

Gaston: Shh…

He pulls back his chair and looks at the table that was just occupied by Authoress. It's obviously empty. Noir- Authoress has slipped out and into the street. She pulls up the collar on her overcoat. A pair of officers stop her.

Dundy: Where you going?

Noir-Authoress: Get your paws off me.

Sgt. Polhaus: Be reasonable, Ress.

Noir-Authoress: What do you want?

Dundy: What do you know about the disappearance of this girl?

He shows her a picture of Belle.

Noir-Authoress: Who wants to know?

Dundy: Cut the questions. We know that she was a good friend of yours. So just what do you know about it?

Noir-Authoress: Just about the same as everyone.

Dundy: No one's seen her for days.

Noir-Authoress: Just what are you implying?

Dundy grabs Noir-Authoress' collar.

Dundy: Where were you last week?

Noir-Authoress: I told you to keep your paws off me. I didn't kidnap her.

Dundy: We didn't say anything about kidnap her. Now tell me what you know!

Noir-Authoress: Hey, Tom what's itching your boy-friend?

Sgt. Polhaus: Come on now, Ress.

Dundy pokes Noir-Authoress in the shoulder.

Dundy: Just this. You were seen walking into the forest with Belle a week ago. We want to know where she is.

Noir-Authoress: Ha! What do you know? Just because I was last seen with her you think that I had something to do with her disappearance. Well I didn't! Get that through your thick heads!

Sgt. Polhaus: Calm down, Ress.

Noir-Authoress grins at the pair.

Noir-Authoress: I know where I stand now. I'm sorry I got up on my hind legs, but you birds coming in and trying to put the work on me made me nervous. Her disappearance bothered me, and then you birds cracking foxy. That's all right now, though, now that I know what you're up to.

Sgt. Polhaus: Forget it.

The too walk off with Noir-Authoress grinning after them. She looks to the side and heads into a dark alley. Two people are there waiting for her.

Person 1: Did you get the information?

Noir-Authoress hands her a sheet of paper and disappears into the shadows.

Person 2: How many alter egos do you have?

The figures step into the light.

Authoress: As many as needed, but that one's my favourite.

Genie: Okay. What's our next step?

Authoress: Well, Tom and Dundy think something's up, so we've got to be careful. I've got a job for you.

Genie salutes smartly.

Genie: Ma'am, yes, ma'am!

Authoress: I need you to keep Maurice busy for a couple months. Can you do that?

Genie: Ma'am, yes, ma'am! Ma'am?

Authoress: Yes?

Genie: Can I call you Ress?

Authoress: Sure.

Genie: One more thing.

Authoress: Yeah?

Genie: What's in the note?

Authoress: The, uh, the stuff that dreams are made of.

That's the end of the film noir tribute. The conversation between Film Noir Authoress, Dundy, and Sgt. Polhaus is inspired by Dashiell Hammett and FNA's last line in that convo was taken directly from his story: The Maltese Falcon. There were some other things, but I'm sure you want to get on with the story. So disclaimers later. BTW: We're back to colour and Gaston is in his regular outfit. Bonus points to the people who found the Gay Puree ref.

Maurice is in the cottage packing to leave.

Maurice: If no one will help me, then I'll go back alone. I don't care what it takes. I'll find that castle and somehow I'll get her out of there.

There is a knock at the door. Maurice opens it to find Genie floating there looking like a game show host. You know Gene Rayburn or Richard Dawson. Whatever works for you. Did I just seriously date myself with those references? In my defense, I watched a lot of Game Show Network when I was little.

Genie: Maurice?

Maurice: Yes…

Genie: You've just won an all expense paid trip around the world!

Maurice: But what about Belle?

Genie: Well, do you know where the castle was?

Maurice: Well, no…not exactly…

Genie: Then we need to search the whole world!

Maurice: I'll do anything to find Belle.

Genie: Then away we go!

They disappear to parts unknown.

Gaston pulls up to the cottage just as they disappear.

Gaston: Maurice? Belle?

Lefou: Huh, I guess their not here. Oh well, better luck next time.

Gaston: Oh hell no, we're not getting out of it that easily. Lefou, don't move from that spot until the instant they get back.

Lefou: Both of them or just one of them?

Gaston: Just one of them.

He jumps on the back of a wagon and rides away.

Lefou: Aw man.

He kicks the side of the house and snow falls on his poor little head.

CUT TO:

Belle, Footstool, and Phillipe are all playing in the snow. Beast, Lumiere, and Cogsworth are watching from a balcony.

Beast: I'm getting this weird feeling. I haven't felt like this about anyone before. I wanna do something for her! (kinda discouraged) But what?

Cogsworth: Well, there's the usual things-flowers, chocolates, promises you don't intend to keep...

Ha ha. I love that line.

Lumiere: Ahh, no no. It has to be something very special. Something that sparks her inter-wait a minute! Show her the library! Bitches love libraries!

Cut to int. hallway leading to library. Beast and Belle are alone.

Beast: Belle, there's something I want to show you. (Begins to open the door, then stops.) But first, you have to close your eyes. (She looks at him questioningly.) It's a surprise.

Belle closes her eyes, and Beast waves his hand in front of her. Then he opens the door. He leads her in.

Belle: (Just as she enters the room) Can I open them?

Beast: Did I say you could open them? No. So take a chill pill, hold your horses and wait a minute.

Beast runs to draw back the curtains. He skids to a stop, but not soon enough. He slides through the window and out into the ground.

Beast: I'm okay, I think.

Belle: Now can I open them?

Beast runs up flights of stairs, and an escalator, and stops at an elevator with a sinister looking bellhop outside it.

Bellhop: Going down, sir?

Beast: Um, actually no.

Bellhop: But it's fast.

Beast: Well, ok.

The Bellhop is happy, almost _too_ happy.

Bellhop: If you'll just take a seat sir.

Beast: Um, okay. Is that a seat belt?

Bellhop: Just a precaution sir.

The Bellhop exits the elevator.

Bellhop: Have a nice _fall _sir.

Beast: Wha…

He's cut off because the elevator is free falling 13 stories and he's screaming like a little girl. The elevator goes up and down a couple of times until it stops at Beast's floor.

Rod Serling: (V.O.) A warm welcome back to those of you who made it, and a friendly word of warning, something you won't find in any guidebook: the next time you check into a deserted hotel on the dark side of Hollywood, make sure you know just what kind of vacancy you're filling, or you may find yourself a permanent resident…of the Twilight Zone.

Authoress glomps Rod, knocking him to the ground.

Authoress: I love you, you short little creepy Twilight Zone guy!

Rod: (addressing the audience again, this time from the floor) A word of caution for all of you. Next time you're in an enchanted castle in the middle of a ridiculous parody, don't forget to look out for…the Authoress.

Authoress: SQUEEEEEEEEEEE!

Glass shatters from the pitch of the Authoress's squee and Rod disappears.

Beast: I think you murdered my eardrums.

Authoress: (not paying any attention whatsoever to Beast) I can totally check that off my bucket list now!

Beast: Uh huh…tell me again why I had that weird elevator installed again?

Authoress: Because you promised Disney you would test out the ride.

Beast: Oh, right.

He runs back into the room and pulls back the curtains. Belle reacts to the light as it floods into the room.

Belle: Can I open them now?

Beast: All right. Now.

Belle opens her eyes and the camera pulls back to reveal the gigantic library filled with books. There can't be that many books. Some must be doubles or fakes or he must have a lot of encyclopedias.

Belle: I can't believe it. I've never seen so many books in all my life!

Beast: You-you like it?

Belle: It's wonderful.

Beast: Then it's yours.

Beast: Oh, thank you so much!

Cut to Belle and Beast in background, with Objects including Chip in foreground watching them.

Cogsworth: Oh, would you look at that?

Lumiere: Ha ha! I knew it would work.

Chip: What? What works?

Cogsworth: It's very encouraging.

Featherduster: Isn't this exciting!

Chip: I didn't see anything.

Mrs. Potts: Come along, Chip. There's chores to be done in the kitchen.

Chip: But what are they talking about? What's going on? Will someone explain this to me?

Objects walk away. Fade to breakfast table with Belle at one end and Beast at the other, with Mrs. Potts between them. Belle is served breakfast, and as she begins to eat, she looks at Beast, gobbling up his food with no table manners whatsoever. Chip laughs, but Mrs. Potts shoots him an admonishing look. Belle turns away and tries to ignore it, but Chip comes to the rescue.

Super Chip to the rescue! Seriously he should have a cape or something…but I don't know where he'd wear it…he doesn't exactly have shoulders. Eh, I digress.

He nudges the spoon with his nose, and Beast reaches out for it (very 3-D-ishly). Belle looks at him in wonder as he tries to eat with the spoon, but he has little success. Finally, Belle puts down her spoon and lifts her bowl as if in a toast. Beast looks at the compromise and does the same. They both begin to sip their breakfast out of their bowls. Fade to courtyard where Belle and Beast are feeding the birds.

Belle: Feed the birds

Tuppence a bag.

Tuppence, tuppence,

Tuppence a bag

Authoress: Uh, Belle? Wrong song…again.

Belle: What? Oh right. Sorry.

There's something sweet  
And almost kind  
But he was mean  
And he was coarse and unrefined.

But now he's dear  
And so unsure,  
I wonder why I didn't see it there before.

Belle is trying to attract some birds to Beast, who shoves a handful of seed at them. Finally, she takes a handful and gently spreads it out, creating a trail. Like Hansel and Gretel. Except not. One bird lands in his hands, and Beast looks up mad thrilled.

Beast: She glanced this way  
I thought I saw  
And when we touched  
She didn't shudder at my paw

No it can't be  
I'll just ignore  
But then she's never looked  
at me that way before.

Translation: She totes thinks I'm hot. She wants me.

Belle has ducked around a tree, leaving Beast with the birds. She begins to look doubtful again, but turns her head around the tree and laughs. Beast is covered with birds.

Beast: F-ing birds.

Belle: New, and a bit alarming  
Who'd have ever thought that this could be?  
True, that he's no Prince Charming  
But there's something in him  
that I simply didn't see.

Belle throws a snowball at Beast, who had looked at her proudly after the birds flew away. He begins to gather a large pile of snow. We cut to the Objects, looking out of a window at the two. In the background, Belle throws another snowball at Beast, who drops his huge pile of snow on his head. He chases her around a tree, but she ducks around the other side and sneaks up on him from behind.

Lumiere: Well who'd have thought?

Mrs. Potts: Well bless my soul.

Cogsworth: And who'd have known?

Mrs. Potts: Well who indeed?

Lumiere: And who'd have guessed they'd come together on their own?

Mrs. Potts: It's so peculiar

All: We'll wait and see  
A few days more  
There may be something there  
that wasn't there before

Fade to den where Belle sits in front of a roaring fire and reads to Beast. Objects inc. Chip watch from doorway.

Cogsworth: Yes, perhaps there's something there that wasn't there before.

Chip: What?

Mrs. Potts: There may be something there that wasn't there before.

Chip: What's there, mama?

Mrs. Potts: I'll tell you when you're older.

Chip: Will someone tell me what the (censored)'s going on? I mean seriously! I'm a supporting character! I should have some sort of knowledge of what's going on. I may be a "precocious child" character, but really. I've been turned into a (censored)ing teacup. A TEA CUP! I think I deserve to know something. I'm so sick of being the only one in this (censored) castle not knowing what's going on! I mean everyone gets it, even Cogsworth! And Cogsworth is a socially retarded monkey!

The other objects just stare at him.

* * *

And that's the end of this chapter. Hope you liked it. Who would of guess that Chip would have such a mouth on his little teacup self? Next up. the romantical chapter including the much anticipated song 'Beauty and the Beast.' See ya real soon!


End file.
